sunchime | ☆ the vorkosigan saga psl post, volume 3

[ in retrospect, she's not sure what would have been worse: this or something kinder, some secret admission, or god, even just pity. would any of those have been better than this? she doesn't know. she doesn't care. she just feels sick, hot in the back of her mouth.

he's tortured her plenty already. she doesn't have any words for that; she just strides across the room, throws back her arm, and then strikes him across the face with her open hand with every ounce of strength in her. ]

[ It's a good slap. Truly it is. He staggers slightly to the side, ears ringing; he bites the inside of his mouth, enough that he tastes copper. Sonia, after all, is Vor, and Vor are not delicate.

Ah.

He shakes his head to clear it, then lifts his hand to the spot she'd struck. He's silent. ]

[ that's it? that's all the reaction she gets? not even some cutting joke? sonia's teeth clench, tears stinging hot in her eyes. god, she feels sick. ]

Then why are you here?

[ That question makes him put his mask on again. He takes a breath, and lifts his eyebrows. And he gives an ironic, lofty sort of smile. ]

Just interested in what intelligence you have to share, naturally. You're the first new capture in a while. So - I've come to chat, in other words.

Chat.

[ she spits the word out like it's poison, equal parts angry and hurt. she can't decide which should reign here. she doesn't have a ready response to this, either -- she doesn't have a ready response to any of this. she falters for an obvious moment, groping for something. dammit, she won't cry. not in front of him. instead she lifts her chin up at him. ]

I think I've shared quite enough with you.

Edited 2017-03-03 18:28 (UTC)

Oh, hardly.

[ He takes up a position by the door, arms folded, eyes gleaming. Just go, just leave, he tells himself. There's no point to this, there's no use to any of it... ]

That little slap wasn't all that impressive, my dear. I'm certainly going to need a bit more before I go.

[ that look on his face. calling her my dear. it makes her sick. sonia's jaw clenches, her hands tightened uselessly into fists at her sides. she can try, at least, to handle this with dignity, but her voice is just a few notches away from a snarl. ]

Well they didn't see fit to leave me a plasma arc. I'd have used it already.

[ on him, on herself? both? it's not clear. ]

Ah.

[ He licks his lips. There's a sickness in his stomach that feels a little bit like satisfaction. Is this what he's here for? It...rather feels like it. ]

So my crimes merit death?

I didn't say anything about death.

[ and in the end, it's probably an empty thread anyway. sonia abhors violence -- doesn't think she could ever bring herself to kill anybody, not even byerly -- and even if she decided to hit him with a closed fist this time, she knows he's taller, stronger. ]

What do you want from me -- [ nearly says his name, snaps her teeth down hard. ] You know I don't know anything useful.

[ I want more of that hatred. I want you to snarl that I deserve worse than death. Call me a traitor, call me a monster... ]

I can't know that until I know what you know.

[ if she knew anything at all, this wouldn't even be happening. none of it at all. but she doesn't even know that much. she realizes she's breathing heavily and struggles to pull herself under control. temperamental, indeed. she's only proving piotr right so far. ]

They'd have fast-penta'd out of it me by now.

[ so she regards him with nearly as much wariness as hurt, but it quickly resolves back into anger, and glower isn't a strong enough term. ]

Whatever it is you want, you'll have to take it from me.

[ so painfully vor. at least as much a challenge as it is rebuttal. more, maybe. go on. do your worst. ]

[ His lips twist up in a mocking smile. His eyelids lower. He purrs at her, a mockery of his previous flirtations: ]

Shall I kiss it out of you, perhaps?

[ her stomach clenches, thinking back to those awful stories of prisoners of war. maybe not all of the perpetrators were necessarily cetagandan. but byerly --

she goes cold now, rigid, hands still balled into fists at her sides. she can't stop the tears that have already started, but she's dug in her heels now. god, she had wanted so badly to kiss him not all that long ago. she tries not to shake. ]

I thought you didn't come to torture me.

[ he might have fooled her once, but she's always known byerly to use sex as a weapon. she can't imagine why he'd stop here. ]

[ He laughs. The sound is merry. He almost convinces himself. ]

My word. How hurtful! Is it such a vile thought? You never seemed particularly opposed to it before.

You were.

[ it's a weak return, she knows, but she's lost her footing. she just wants to scream. but she won't give him the satisfaction. but her voice still comes out a snarl through clenched teeth. ]

Only one person in this room has lied about it. So which is it, Byerly? [ she forces herself to say his name. it hurts. ] Were you lying then, or is it now?

Perhaps it's not a matter of lying. Perhaps it's simply a matter of - hm - timing.

[ He lifts his eyebrows at her. ]

Perhaps now seems like a better time for it than back then did. Is that so impossible?

[ shock joins fury and hurt on hurt face, and she's tempted to hit him again. her shoulder jerks, but she keeps her arm at her side, just spitting out the words. ]

How? How is this a better time, Byerly? [ her eyes bore into him, waiting, watching. she still doesn't know what to believe. that hurts, too. ] I want to hear you say it.

How is it better?

[ I want you shocked and hurting and hating. I want you to hit me again. ]

Isn't it nicer here? None of the pressures of Barrayar. No consequences for you, no consequences for me...In this camp, you're not a princess, and I not a lowly cad unworthy of touching you. Isn't that attractive?

[ her mouth opens, her throat works, but she can hardly bring herself to repeat anything he's just said, even if just in shock and fury. there's too much to unpack. she feels sick. feels sick for ever having wanted him. feels sick for the brief, flickering moment of hope she'd swallowed when he walked in through that door. deluded fantasies of rescue and picking up where they'd left off, somehow. those hadn't lasted long.

all of it shows on her face. she hardly knows how to control it. she realizes she's crying again and struggles to stop. ]

I have no more agency here than I did before. [ god, that's a weak return, too. she hates him for making her fumble like this. she feels frozen in place, but god, she wants another excuse to hit him so badly. ] Go on. I dare you to try it. See what happens.

[ Even as a self-loathing mockery, even in a simulacrum of vileness, he can't bring himself to do it. He can't bring himself even to mimic it. The thought of her afraid is too much for him to be able to bear. Hell, he can barely even cope with the knowledge he's caused her sadness. No: he wants her furious, livid, not...

He shrugs, casual as anything, and looks away. ]

No, thanks. I'm not about to force myself on you. [ Then, with a mocking little bow - ] That's a little bit too typically Vorish for my tastes. I consider myself something of a separate breed, after all.

[ something burns in her at his refusal -- she can't even tell what -- and her expression shifts, eyes lidded but burning. she's shaking, she knows she is, but not out of fear. just barely contained anger that she doesn't know what to do about. hurt she's endured -- but no one has ever made her so angry. ]

I didn't know cowards had a pedigree. [ it comes out as a hiss, and she steps closer, taking ground where he could have but didn't. she wants so badly to hit him again, but the part of her that shies away from violence cries out in protest. give me a reason. give me something.

she's never been in a fight in her life. not a one-on-one all-out brawl. she knows she couldn't possibly overpower byerly, but the tears that spring to her eyes now are just angry. ]

Tell me something. That night in Riverfall, when you held me -- had you already made your decision then? Or did some fanciful flight of cowardice strike you later? I know you're going to lie to me. I just want to see what lie you use.

Dear girl, if this were mere cowardice, don't you think I'd have run away from the war altogether? Not gone to the other side.

[ He sighs, then, like it's some grand trial, speaking about this. He wonders what would happen if he went to her and took her in his arms and dashed the tears from her eyes. If he kissed her face and apologized. Whispered an explanation in her ear...But no. He can't. It's the last thing he can do. They have listening devices in here, they have arms, they're just waiting for him to trip up...His position with the Cetagandans is worth far more than her heart. Than both of their hearts. ]

But no. It was actually that night that made me make my decision, truth be told.

This is your only safe haven.

[ she says it scathingly, because she resents him even more every time he calls her that. and where else would he go, truly? but she still feels sick, even knowing that this is likely all just a lie. an elaborate one that doesn't matter in the end, because the results are the same. she tries to control the fractional widening of her eyes, the catch in her breath, tries to keep her voice steady, if not steely. ]

Oh?

Quite so.

[ He pushes his hands into his pockets. ]

I started thinking about the sort of Barrayar that would be better to live in. And I realized - it's not the one with the Vor in charge. It never has been.

[ of all the lies she was expecting, this wasn't it -- and is it a lie? she staggers back as if he'd hit her, shock all over her face again, and this time there's a streak of desperation in it, that all she's lived through these last ten years must somehow mean nothing.

and miles -- had miles lied to her, too? that thought is almost too much to bear.

this time she doesn't think. it just happens, and a raw cry tears unbidden out of her throat as she backhands him, hard, the same place she'd struck before. ]

NOPE BUT YOU GOT HIT BY THE PAID FAIRY CONGRATS

What a lovely fairy

they truly are

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