☆ the vorkosigan saga psl post, volume 3

[runawayballista]

welcome to hell

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[vorbratta]

[ she leans against him, pressing her forehead to his arm and closing her eyes. she exhales slowly. ]

Nobody has laid a hand on me. I'm alright, Byerly.

[vorrutyer]

[ He closes his eyes. Her closeness is scarcely even a comfort. ]

I...wonder if that will...I worry, going forward.

[vorbratta]

[ sonia's voice is small. she keeps her eyes closed. ]

You think it might still happen.

[vorrutyer]

I think...they now know the handle they have on my loyalty.

[vorbratta]

...Leverage, you mean.

[vorrutyer]

Yes. I will do...anything if it means your welfare, Sonia.

[vorbratta]

[ she clutches his arm tighter. she feels a little sick. ]

Don't -- [ do anything stupid. no, it's nothing stupid. her voice grows firm. ] I won't let it happen.

[vorrutyer]

[ He looks at her, meets her eyes. He looks exhausted. He looks...a little frightened. ]

Won't let...what happen?

[vorbratta]

[ that frightened look in byerly's eyes chills her a little. it fills her with dread in return. she tightens her grip on him. ]

Anything that -- anything they might use as leverage against you. I won't just -- let them use you like that.

[ the cetagandans want her alive, she knows. she has a bigger bargaining chip than her dignity or welfare. ]

[vorrutyer]

We have to be realistic.

[ He swallows, looking down at his hands. ]

It may not be so simple, that we can just...say no. I won't let it happen.

[vorbratta]

I know that.

[ that's the whole point of it. she knows that. she looks down at his hands, too, her throat tight. ]

But I'm not going to just -- accept that. I won't. [ her voice drops. ] Their imaginations are cruel. If I lay down and accept one fate, they'll come up with something more...creative.

[vorrutyer]

They're not...sadists, though.

[ He rubs at his face. ]

There's a purpose behind their actions. And so if there's no purpose to hurting you, they won't.

[vorbratta]

[ sonia bites her lips together. ]

They've done plenty of cruelty to other Barrayaran women without purpose. [ she shakes her head. ] I don't know. Maybe you're right. But that doesn't mean I'll stand idly by.

[vorrutyer]

[ ...True. But her rank will...surely protect her. Right?

He rubs at his face again. ]

Do you have a plan?

[vorbratta]

[ protect her, maybe. or merely use it to serve a point. sonia doesn't pretend to understand how their minds work. ]

Not...exactly. Just...an idea.

[vorrutyer]

Is it...something you can tell me?

[vorbratta]

[ sonia's quiet for a while. she's sure he won't like it. she just unwinds her arm from around his and stares at her hands in her lap. ]

They won't ever threaten you with my life. They want to keep me alive. [ for the foreseeable future, anyway. ] It's the only thing I have any control over.

[vorrutyer]

[ His hands clench uselessly in his lap. ]

That doesn't mean you'll be safe.

[vorbratta]

I'm not safe now. Neither of us are. You so much as said it yourself. I'm just as much at risk of -- anything as I was before.

[ she wants to reach for his hand, but he hardly seems comforted by her presence. but she can't quite bring herself to get up from his cot. her chest feels tight. she hates this. all the things olivia worked so hard to shield her from, and -- now she has to figure it out on her own. how to be that kind of brave. ]

There is no safety in this. No guarantee.

[vorrutyer]

Sonia - I will...cooperate with them for your safety.

[ A beat. He takes a breath and looks over at her. ]

Unless you order me to do otherwise.

[vorbratta]

[ sonia feels her breath catch in her chest. the idea that she could give byerly that kind of order, and that he would obey it, is overwhelming. it's terrifying. she wrings her hands together instead of reaching for his, desperation in her face that she'd been trying to hide before the fast-penta. before all of this had come out. ]

I just -- need you here with me. [ it's not an evasion, but she's not going to give him that order now. not...unless she really feels she has to. ] There was a grain of truth in what you said to me last time. That I'm alone here -- except for you. I don't want to be alone.