sunchime | ☆ the vorkosigan saga psl post, volume 3

[ sonia pouts at first, then sighs, going fast-penta limp in her chair, the vague, vapid smile back in place. ]

Oh, I don't know. I know they only do it to protect me. And I don't even like all the business of war... But she does it to keep me safe. So that I don't have to change the way she's had. And she's changed a lot... [ she trails off this tangent, and then her glazed expression turns doleful, and she actually looks at byerly. ] But I wish they had told me about this one. It didn't even matter in the end anyway, did it?

[ The ghem-Colonel sits back. ]

Why, their lack of trust, in fact, did quite matter. It would have helped you to know about him. Maybe then you wouldn't have given him up to us. Thank you for your help.

[ sonia's expression hasn't changed, but there are tears in her eyes now, and she shakes her head. something in her, deep, deep down, is screaming, but it's a distant echo right now. ]

No...no. I wasn't trying to. I don't want to help you. [ if she weren't under fast-penta -- if she weren't herself -- she would have spit those words at him. but now they just fall limply from her mouth. ] I just didn't understand. I was just trying to make sense of it. Oh, I was so angry, but I didn't want to be, I really didn't...

[ she sighs, though her breath hitches, and the tears start to drip down her cheeks. ]

I just wasn't smart enough to see all the signs. To stop. I should have stopped. I really, really should have stopped, or else none of this would be happening, I wouldn't have ruined it all... [ she looks at byerly again, her expression glazed but clearly mournful, apologetic, beyond that. ] I'm sorry. I'm so, so sorry. I didn't mean to.

[ Byerly knows he shouldn't. He shouldn't speak up - every word he utters is a tool for them, is a small advantage. But as she cries, he can't keep it back - he can't - he grinds out, desperately, miserably - ]

You didn't. It was me. I screwed up.

[ she sighs again, looking at him sadly, her eyes glassy. ]

No, no. You were just doing your job. Weren't you? Just following orders like the rest of them. But I needed to know. I really, really wanted to know. I picked you apart as best I could, trying to figure out if there was any truth in it or if it was just lies, all lies. You know, the consequences of it didn't occur to me even just once? Now which one of us is shortsighted?

[ she breaks into disconcerting laughter despite still crying, like this is some kind of funny joke, caught between muted hysterics. ]

You're so bad at telling the truth, Byerly.

[ He can't help it. It hits him like a blow to the face. It's that it's that echo of what she'd said in happier times - and he thinks of them, then and now - and he seizes up, his breath catching, tears standing in his eyes. No, no - To let himself weep in front of his enemies, to let them know that he's so weak before her - And the ghem-Colonel sees, looking at him and smiling, and then back at her.

He says - ]

Well. This has all been very interesting. But perhaps we ought to adjourn for now. Continue later.

[ sonia's still letting out those awful, hitched giggles when they press the antagonist hypospray to her arm, and then after a few seconds it abruptly stops, her face clearing and coming back to herself. she stares at byerly for one terrified moment, humiliated and upset, before she buries her face in her hands and starts to cry in earnest, shoulders shaking.

but the guards aren't interested in indulging her hysterics. one of them takes her by the shoulder to haul her up out of the chair, take her to the door. sonia doesn't resist, just stumbles as she's pulled to her feet. ]

Come along, now. Do try to hold yourself together long enough to make it down the hall, won't you?

[ Byerly's shoulders jerk as she stops weeping. He squeezes his eyes shut, unable to look at her, until they lead her from his line of sight. He's silent, trying to think of something to say, trying to figure out some way to get her out of this, to get them out of this...But he's silent. Completely at a loss for words. But at least - at least she's going. Maybe when she's gone, he'll be able to recover his sense of balance...

Except that when they lead him to the cells after her, they lead him to hers. He realizes right away, before the door even opens, and so he's pushing back against them, fighting. Stupidly. She's made him stupid. He's made himself stupid. And so he snarls at them - stupidly - like it won't hurt her to make this stupid comment. ]

There are other cells. Put me in one of the other cells.

[ one of the ghem soldiers gives byerly a thoroughly nasty smile, and it seems for a moment like he might actually say something, but no -- they just push byerly forcefully into sonia's cell and shut the door behind them. the hiss and click of the locking mechanism is uncomfortably audible.

they don't have to do anything more than shove byerly inside, because there's already a second cot placed inside, along with a folding privacy screen, an elaborately painted panoramic stretched across it. sonia had seen them when they'd brought her in, and she had dreaded fiercely, but when they actually bring him in...

she stares, standing stock-still, her face pale, as byerly struggles with the guards, but as soon as the door closes she drops her gaze, mouth dry. oddly, she feels even more trapped than before. ]

[ He feels a lance of agony through him. This is his fault. If he'd been better at this, he'd still be out there. He could have been getting her out. He could have been helping her. Instead he's here, he's - face-to-face with her - and she can't even look at him. I'm sorry, I'm sorry - now I can't save you...

He turns away from her altogether. He squeezes his eyes shut. Silently, miserably, he kicks off his shoes and climbs onto the cot. He can't even figure out the words to apologize. ]

[ she doesn't look up, but she can see him moving in the periphery of her vision, feel him moving through the room. her chest feels impossibly tight. she might be sick. she's never felt so overwhelmed with shame and misery, except maybe -- no, this is so much worse...

she sits down hard on her cot, feeling like the weight of the room might crush her, like that might somehow lessen the tension. it doesn't. the silence in the room is agonizing, beyond awkward, and sonia breathes into her pillow so that if she cries again, it won't shatter the silence. she can't tell if it's protecting her or just hurting her. she hugs her pillow tight, curling in on herself as though that might protect her from this hurt, as though she could protect herself from the inside out.

she wants comfort. she's never wanted it so badly. thinking too hard about that night in the village, it would break her, but she remembers it, remembers that warmth and security, and she wants so badly to reach out to byerly, but she feels sick with shame and she doesn't know if that would somehow make it worse. she loses track of the time -- minutes, hours go by, she's not sure -- but when she finally speaks, it comes out as a quiet creak, hesitant and faltering and small. ]

Byerly?

[ No. He's not ready to speak. Even after that time, he's not ready. He's not ready to give the Cetagandans what they want, which is - what? Intelligence? A sadistic, voyeuristic thrill? Both? He's not ready to face her, either. He still doesn't know what to say, how to apologize.

But he can't...deny that voice. That small voice. All I'll do is make it worse. Don't speak to me, Sonia. All I'll do is ruin it more. That's all you can expect from me...

It's a long, long moment before he speaks. His voice is hoarse. ]

Yes.

[ cold relief washes over her. she knows for sure, at least, that it would have been worse if he hadn't answered at all. she opens her mouth, throat working, only to realize that...she has no clue what to say. there had been no planned follow-up to that diffident callout. her hands open and close over the pillow, faltering.

she wants to ask for comfort, but she's afraid to. he might have answered her, but he isn't looking at her, and she doesn't know if he can offer her any in this place. she doesn't know if he'd even want to try. so instead all that comes out is the only thing she knows how to say right now, her voice still quiet and small. ]

I'm sorry.

[ for all of this. for what i did. for hitting you, for pushing you, for prodding until you fell apart. i'm sorry for everything you had to see in that interrogation room. ]

[ He doesn't move. He just squeezes his eyes further shut, his face contorting. I'm sorry. I'm sorry? No, no, this is all my fault. If I hadn't done this, if I hadn't come here, if I hadn't, if I hadn't...

His voice, by sheer determination, stays level and even. ]

The fault wasn't yours, Sonia. You're a civilian. It was my job to keep you safe, and I failed at that.

[ sonia hugs her pillow tighter, clutching it to her stomach as she leans over, her eyes wide and wet and red-rimmed. byerly keeps his eyes closed, but she doesn't tear hers away. she flinches slightly at you're a civilian and doesn't quite understand why, but it cannot simply relieve her of all responsibility.

keeping her safe? that was what all the cruelty was for, wasn't it? meant to drive her away, meant to make her hate him. but she couldn't. she'd failed at that. ]

That was what all that was for. [ she leaves the what ambiguous, and it isn't a question, because he'd said it himself in the interrogation. it's a plea for confirmation. there had been so much uncomfortable, terrible truth in the interrogation room -- the lies, she needs to start with the lies. her voice is still weak, raw from crying. ] I...made it very difficult for you. You were trying to tell me something. I didn't listen.

You didn't hear. I didn't say it loud enough.

[ His throat is tight. His head aches, pounding; his stomach churns. He just wants to weep. But this is his job. This is your job. You can't. You have much, much more to do. ]

Please don't blame yourself, Sonia. I beg you not to blame yourself.

[ something in his voice makes her stop, even if she's still thinking it. she wants to get up off her bed and run across this stupidly small room to him, to put her hands on him without violent intent, because there's a phantom sting on her palms she can't shake. but she feels so utterly frozen. all she has is her voice, still hesitant, still punctuated with hitched breaths. ]

Did you think it would have been easier if I had hated you?

[ He's quiet a moment. And then he gives a non-answer - true, but not truly an answer. ]

It would have helped my cover.

[ sonia finally drops her gaze, an uncomfortable flutter in her chest. right. the cover she has now completely blown. ]

Yes, I -- suppose it would have.

[ His jaw clenches. He fights down nausea. ]

I should not have put you in a position where my cover depended on you. I've made - many mistakes.

[ sonia bites her lip, fingernails digging into the pillow. how many mistakes, byerly? which were the mistakes? ]

It isn't your fault I was captured.

Perhaps not. But I shouldn't have come to see you. I should have been working on how to get you out. The entire time. I shouldn't even have tried to maintain my cover. I should have gone for you right away.

[ a confused response dies in her throat before she can get out another one. ]

I thought they'd sent you. [ her brow furrows and she holds the pillow tighter against her stomach as it clenches uncomfortably. ] Gone for me right away? And do what? Try and smuggle me out all on your own?

Yes.

[ He swallows hard. ]

If I could have - no matter the cost...

[ something about that answer scares her, but maybe not in the way it should. her stomach flutters uncomfortably. there's an audible creak as she gets off her cot, but she only manages one faltering step. ]

It wouldn't have been worth it. [ her voice is soft, still a little shaky, but it is heartfelt, a small absolution. ] Even if you -- ...I wouldn't get far on my own. It would be for nothing.

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