sunchime | ☆ the vorkosigan saga psl post, volume 3

[ A...cogent observation. His lips thin for just a moment - and then, casually, indifferently, he shrugs. ]

Why would I be coming to see you if I didn't want to be with you? That doesn't make sense. You have to understand how much fondness I have for you, Sonia. You're a very beautiful woman, after all.

[ color rises to her cheeks, and she hates herself for it, can't quite stop herself from covering her mouth with one hand. she stares at him, feeling dizzy again because she knows he's running her around in circles, keeping her off-balance. that's what it feels like, anyway. she tries to swallow, tries to make herself sound dignified. like her sister would. like her sister always would. but sonia isn't her sister. ]

I didn't know you treated beautiful women like lepers, Byerly.

[ A bubble of frustration builds in him, rising up alongside his misery. ]

And how are you a leper? We've touched many times, haven't we?

[ she does flinch at that, just slightly, and she feels herself getting upset again. because byerly had sold her a fantasy once, and he's trying to sell her another one now, but she keeps telling herself it's snake oil. has to be. she looks at him -- no fear in her eyes, just hurt and desperation she tries fruitlessly to conceal.

flatly: ]

Not since you walked into this room.

[ He meets her eyes for only a moment before looking away. ]

Well. Your revulsion at the thought of me touching you rather reduced my interest in touching you. Marvelous how that works.

Revulsion?

[ she doesn't mean to repeat the word out loud, and it's for the best that byerly looks away, because he doesn't see the flicker of surprise on her face. angry, yes, she'd been furious and hurting and god, got more carried away than she's ever been in her life, but she didn't think he'd interpreted that as revulsion. she'd hit him, over and over again, because she was angry and hurt and byerly had goaded her into it. but it wasn't revulsion. it should have been. she wishes it was. given more time before seeing him again, maybe that spark she'd so fervently chased would have faded thoroughly.

her grip loosens on her pillow. she pushes it aside. she doesn't quite stand, not yet. ]

You think I hit you out of revulsion?

[ He glances down at her, momentarily uncertain and uncomfortable, before shrugging again. ]

Aren't you revolted?

[ sonia's eyes narrow for just a moment at that look on his face. the other day he'd recoiled from her after they fell, visibly, afraid of her. curiosity overtakes her, and maybe it's cruel, but any cruelty she could enact here pales in comparison to byerly's betrayal.

she pushes herself up from the cot, mindful of her sprained wrist, though it's mostly fine by now. she walks very slowly across the room, each deliberate step taking her closer to byerly. she evades the question, she refuses to answer. she doesn't think she'll have to. ]

Is that why you wanted me to hit you?

Edited 2017-03-05 15:50 (UTC)

[ His face goes a little wary. His lips tighten. He eyes her and spins out some quick, vicious lies. ]

I wanted you to hit me because I wanted you to be fully aware of what you're capable of. Tell me, Sonia, did you like yourself when you were being violent? That, dear girl, is what the Barrayarans made you. Why are you loyal to them?

[ she stops in her tracks, looking stricken. he might as well have delivered a blow to her chest. she has to blink back tears. dammit, she thought she'd cried herself out by now. ]

No! [ she can't control her outburst this time, her voice rising sharply. it echoes in the small room. ] No, I hated it! I hated myself, every minute of it! And I still do!

[ her breath catches and she stares at him hard, jaw tense. ]

Is that what you wanted? That I'd hate myself enough to want you again?

[ she never stopped, somehow, and she hates herself for that, too. it's impossible to forget the way he'd made her feel when he looked at her back then. ]

[ He is a foul man. He is a foul, foul man. For a moment, the thought floats through his mind - he could turn on his heel right now, shed his outer garments, and walk out into the cold. Find some place to sit until it's over. He just -

I hated myself, I still do -

He doesn't want her to hate herself. He doesn't want...He wants her to hate him, he wants her to be furious and full of righteous rage. He doesn't want her to hate herself. She hasn't done anything wrong - she's only ever been good and true -

He can't help it. He flinches outright at that declaration, a deeply miserably stricken expression crossing his face. He wheels bodily, turning himself away from her and pretending to pace the room out of annoyance - truthfully, pacing until he can get himself under control again. ]

I suppose that would be a charming side-benefit. But I don't need you to want me, Sonia. All I want is for you to realize the futility of this fight, as I myself did.

[ it's impossible to miss that flinch, that look on his face. it only makes her more frustrated. she's smart, she's clever, but she doesn't know if she's smart enough to tease out truth from lies with byerly. or if there's any truth at all in here. is it all lies? was even that look on his face carefully calculated, designed to throw her into even more confusion?

she starts walking again, just as slowly, following byerly wherever he pace. she shakes her head without breaking her gaze away from his back. ]

No. [ this time her voice comes out quiet, breathy. ] No, all you did was prove yourself wrong.

[ He stops. He...feels trapped by her. By her presence. ]

Wrong? In what way?

I hate myself for what I did.

[ he stops, but she doesn't. her slow, inexorable pace doesn't stop, even if she chokes on her voice a little. ]

It wasn't something I even -- I didn't think I could do that. But I did. And if you could get that much of a rise out of -- out of some naive, foolish girl, just one betrayal of heart and honor -- if just a single person could make me want to fight that badly -- what makes you think an entire planet of bloody warriors are going to stop until they've killed or driven off every single Cetagandan on Barrayar?

[ He keeps his face trained away from hers. ]

Ah, but you're a bit unusual, aren't you. There are as many collaborators on Barrayar as there are resistors. Take myself, for instance. [ He lowers himself in an ironic bow, still not meeting her eyes. ] As Vor as you, but not willing to commit violence for this world any longer. There are any number of others, as well - Vorfolse, Vorhalas, Vorbataille -

[ she abruptly cuts him off, sounding fiercer. ]

For every traitor, we fight ten times as hard. Honor means nothing to them -- to you -- so we bear it ourselves. [ she hasn't stopped or skipped a single step, hasn't slowed or quickened her pace. ] I'm not a soldier. I'm not a warrior. But how moved do you think General Vorkosigan would be by your little speech? Or Olivia? Or Miles?

Vorkosigan is a sadist, Miles a needy fool, and your sister brainwashed into being a proper Vor wife. Honor doesn't mean anything at all - it's a lie built to make people like you obedient.

[ that feels like a lance through her stomach, every word of it -- but this time, she doesn't stop moving, even as her hands clench at her sides and her voice lowers so that he won't hear it shake. ]

You think of me as obedient? [ she manages a bit of scorn in her voice. tries to make a hitched breath sound like a laugh. ] You wouldn't know honor if it hit you in the face. I told you, Byerly. You're very shortsighted. You mistake integrity for submission.

On the contrary. I've only just realized they're the same thing.

[ He turns away from her again, tries to move out of her vicinity under the guise of more pacing. ]

I was raised in the same system as you were, Sonia. I swallowed the same nonsense until I realized just how empty and false it all was. You'll get there too in time. The problem is that for now, you're still simply a child.

[ she follows him, tracks every turn. she's resentful for being called a child, and a dozen snapbacks bubble up in her mind, all of them weak -- if i'm a child, what does that make you -- so she bites it back, trying to swallow it along with her own incredulity. ]

You believe in nothing.

[ A shrug. ]

On the contrary. I believe that tearing down our broken system will only do the planet good. See? I'm a patriot, too.

[ she could hit him for that. she knows she could. she knows he probably wants her to. but she doesn't.

she's close enough now that she can step directly into his personal space, even if he isn't facing her. she doesn't touch him. ]

And all this romantic talk of wanting to run away with me? [ she tries to make it sound mocking. she only half succeeds. ] Which is it, Byerly? A patriot who will stay to bring a new, terrible era to Barrayar, or a coward who will flee so he won't have to suffer the consequences of his actions?

[ He can't help but tense at her nearness. God, he's scared. He's scared that if they touch, he'll break - crumble entirely -

She's right, though. It's a flaw in his argumentation. He gives a little laugh and says - ]

Well, that depends on you, I suppose.

[ she is far, far too close not to see him tense. she's tense, too, but she isn't crying right now, isn't about to hit him. her composure is threadbare, as delicate as byerly's, but she manages to hold herself together. she keeps her voice quiet so that it break. ]

How so?

[ she still hasn't touched him. ]

Are you willing to run away with me?

[ He turns, shoots her a smile. He's gotten himself together enough that the smile is convincingly smarmy. ]

Because if you are, I'll gladly turn coward for you.

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