☆ the vorkosigan saga psl post, volume 3

[runawayballista]

welcome to hell

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[vorrutyer]

[ He looks back at her steadily. ]

My loyalty to you does not remotely depend on where your own loyalties lie.

[vorbratta]

[ she truly doesn't know what to say to that at first. emotion wells up in her chest, something she can't quite detangle, but it moves her deeply. the enormity of it shakes her. she looks right back at him, but her eyes are wide, lit by some small spark of awe. ]

You would...go with me if I left Barrayar behind?

[vorrutyer]

[ That - That he doesn't know. His face tightens with uncertainty. His eyes dart to the side. ]

I will - always serve Barrayar. Even if it happens elsewhere.

[vorbratta]

[ she sees that uncertainty and she's not sure if it's a relief or not, but she lets out a small breath she didn't know she was holding. she finds she suddenly needs to sit, and she drops herself down onto byerly's cot next to him, releasing his hand. ]

It's alright. It's all hypotheticals now. [ quietly: ] And...you don't have to worry about that from me anyway.

[ still, the idea that byerly could have spirited her away somewhere...the thought does bring a pang. she looks up at him, brow furrowed. ]

Why me?

[vorrutyer]

[ He shifts when she sits. It's...a relief that she's moved on to slightly less fraught questions.

Slightly. ]

Why you? What do you mean?

[vorbratta]

[ sonia gestures uselessly with one hand. she's tired, she's shaken up, and she still feels sick. but there is relief. cold, nauseating floods of relief. ]

I mean your...loyalty. To me. [ it's so absolute. it still scares her a little, taking comfort in an abyss she hasn't yet seen the bottom of. but it's byerly's comfort she wants, needs. ] Why me? Specifically? Why not someone else? I'm not...you're not even from this time.

[vorrutyer]

[ That's - too personal. Too vulnerable. And so, automatically, without even thinking about it, he lies: ]

You're Vorbarra. My oaths were to your family.

[vorbratta]

Byerly. [ she narrows her eyes at him, brow furrowed, her lips drawn taut. ] You said you'd be honest with me.

[vorrutyer]

Ah -

[ His brow furrows. He's caught off-guard. Right. Realizing he'd not been fully truthful, he looks down and away, self-conscious. ]

That's not...dishonest.

[vorbratta]

Byerly.

[ softer and gentler this time, but no less insistent. she reaches for his hand again. ]

[vorrutyer]

[ He lets her take it. He shifts self-consciously, then says - ]

Will it suffice to say that I...like you?

[vorbratta]

[ sonia's chest tightens a little at that, but she doesn't show it, just tilting her head and raising her eyebrows slightly. she brushes a lock of hair away from her face, tucking it behind her ear.

keep talking, byerly. ]

[vorrutyer]

[ By looks over. Apparently not. Apparently that isn't sufficient.

Well. He looks down, half-shrugs. ]

This will sound quite idiotic, I suppose. But I...have a certain fondness for people who are...very kind. And you are very kind.

[vorbratta]

[ something wrenches in her at that -- yes, i was being so very kind when i hit you over and over and over again -- she swallows and forces that thought away, her cheeks slightly hot. a certain fondness, he'd said. she closes a hand over his. ]

What's so idiotic about that?

[vorrutyer]

Hm. Perhaps not so idiotic. I don't know.

[ He smiles down at their joined hands, shrugs one-shouldered. ]

In my normal circles, that sort of confession would be thoroughly mocked as base sentimentalism.

[vorbratta]

[ that smile gets a flutter out of her chest, a stab of relief. for just a moment, this conversation feels...normal. ]

Well, you're not in your normal circles. [ she manages a small smile, too, even around the lump in her throat. ] And I have a taste for base sentimentalism.

[vorrutyer]

It seems that I do too. In spite of the image I want to maintain. You'll keep it a secret, won't you? My soft spot for goodness.

[vorbratta]

I shan't breathe a word.

[ her mouth twitches into a slightly wider smile, but the tension in her chest nearly breaks, and she buries her face in his arm, wrapping hers around it. she sucks in a sharp breath, squeezing her eyes shut. ]

Will you keep a secret for me too?

[vorrutyer]

[ Uncertain, with pain squeezing at his chest, he reaches up with his free hand to stroke her hair. ]

Of course.

[vorbratta]

Don't --

[ her throat seizes, and she can't quite get it out. she swallows. ]

Don't tell anyone what happened that first day. About what I did to you. I don't -- I don't want anyone else to know.

[vorrutyer]

[ Uncertainly - ]

What you did to...Hitting me, you mean?

[vorbratta]

[ she clutches his arm a little tighter. quietly: ]

Yes.

[vorrutyer]

I had thought that was...cathartic for you.

[vorbratta]

[ her stomach goes a little cold. cathartic isn't a word she'd have thought to use. but he isn't wrong. and he's being honest with her, which is asking a lot of him. she shouldn't be anything less than honest with him. sonia presses her cheek to his arm. ]

It... [ it's her struggling now, trying to pull some truth out of herself. her voice goes smaller. ] It was. But I wish it wasn't. I wish I hadn't done it. There was no reason for it. None at all. And I don't...I don't want anyone else knowing I could do something like that.

[vorrutyer]

[ He looks down. ]

But you were not doing anything...wrong.