sunchime | ☆ the vorkosigan saga psl post, volume 3

[ He stops. He...feels trapped by her. By her presence. ]

Wrong? In what way?

I hate myself for what I did.

[ he stops, but she doesn't. her slow, inexorable pace doesn't stop, even if she chokes on her voice a little. ]

It wasn't something I even -- I didn't think I could do that. But I did. And if you could get that much of a rise out of -- out of some naive, foolish girl, just one betrayal of heart and honor -- if just a single person could make me want to fight that badly -- what makes you think an entire planet of bloody warriors are going to stop until they've killed or driven off every single Cetagandan on Barrayar?

[ He keeps his face trained away from hers. ]

Ah, but you're a bit unusual, aren't you. There are as many collaborators on Barrayar as there are resistors. Take myself, for instance. [ He lowers himself in an ironic bow, still not meeting her eyes. ] As Vor as you, but not willing to commit violence for this world any longer. There are any number of others, as well - Vorfolse, Vorhalas, Vorbataille -

[ she abruptly cuts him off, sounding fiercer. ]

For every traitor, we fight ten times as hard. Honor means nothing to them -- to you -- so we bear it ourselves. [ she hasn't stopped or skipped a single step, hasn't slowed or quickened her pace. ] I'm not a soldier. I'm not a warrior. But how moved do you think General Vorkosigan would be by your little speech? Or Olivia? Or Miles?

Vorkosigan is a sadist, Miles a needy fool, and your sister brainwashed into being a proper Vor wife. Honor doesn't mean anything at all - it's a lie built to make people like you obedient.

[ that feels like a lance through her stomach, every word of it -- but this time, she doesn't stop moving, even as her hands clench at her sides and her voice lowers so that he won't hear it shake. ]

You think of me as obedient? [ she manages a bit of scorn in her voice. tries to make a hitched breath sound like a laugh. ] You wouldn't know honor if it hit you in the face. I told you, Byerly. You're very shortsighted. You mistake integrity for submission.

On the contrary. I've only just realized they're the same thing.

[ He turns away from her again, tries to move out of her vicinity under the guise of more pacing. ]

I was raised in the same system as you were, Sonia. I swallowed the same nonsense until I realized just how empty and false it all was. You'll get there too in time. The problem is that for now, you're still simply a child.

[ she follows him, tracks every turn. she's resentful for being called a child, and a dozen snapbacks bubble up in her mind, all of them weak -- if i'm a child, what does that make you -- so she bites it back, trying to swallow it along with her own incredulity. ]

You believe in nothing.

[ A shrug. ]

On the contrary. I believe that tearing down our broken system will only do the planet good. See? I'm a patriot, too.

[ she could hit him for that. she knows she could. she knows he probably wants her to. but she doesn't.

she's close enough now that she can step directly into his personal space, even if he isn't facing her. she doesn't touch him. ]

And all this romantic talk of wanting to run away with me? [ she tries to make it sound mocking. she only half succeeds. ] Which is it, Byerly? A patriot who will stay to bring a new, terrible era to Barrayar, or a coward who will flee so he won't have to suffer the consequences of his actions?

[ He can't help but tense at her nearness. God, he's scared. He's scared that if they touch, he'll break - crumble entirely -

She's right, though. It's a flaw in his argumentation. He gives a little laugh and says - ]

Well, that depends on you, I suppose.

[ she is far, far too close not to see him tense. she's tense, too, but she isn't crying right now, isn't about to hit him. her composure is threadbare, as delicate as byerly's, but she manages to hold herself together. she keeps her voice quiet so that it break. ]

How so?

[ she still hasn't touched him. ]

Are you willing to run away with me?

[ He turns, shoots her a smile. He's gotten himself together enough that the smile is convincingly smarmy. ]

Because if you are, I'll gladly turn coward for you.

[ dammit. damn him. her jaw tightens at that look, stomach clenching. no, she'll find another way to evade that question. that fantasy of another vorbarr sultana never had lost its grip on her entirely, the idea of running away... she can't show it. she's never learned to school her face into that impassive mask the way her sister does, but she can damn sure keep herself looking angry. ]

Why?

[ He smiles carelessly, and says in that Byerly way where it's not clear if it's irony or just ironic distance - ]

Because I feel for you, Sonia. Naturally. Like I said, you're phenomenally beautiful.

[ her lips thin at that, and she tries to ignore the way her chest tightens. she tries, discreetly, not to swallow. ]

And this is, what, conditional on my parole? On my cooperation? Telling you what I know?

That's right.

[ He crosses his arms and intones: ]

Contingent upon you quitting the Barrayaran field yourself.

[ she won't agree to that, not on her breath. not as long as she doesn't have to. so she just moves past it like so much water, hands still trembling fists at her sides, but she refuses to look away from his face. ]

You and I both know I don't know anything useful, Byerly. But I'll tell you what I do know.

[ and now the tide of anger and hurt rises in her again, threatening to break her composure, but she starts talking and she doesn't stop. she is so very, very close now, but she still doesn't touch him. some small part of her is afraid that she'll just hit him again if she does. ]

When you disappeared, I was worried you'd gotten yourself stupidly drunk and lost. When I was sick, I wondered why you didn't visit. And when I was better, I was afraid you were dead somewhere, of the cold or the flu or both. I looked for you. I made Miles help, because he knew the mountains better than I did. God, I was terrified. I thought you were dead. And then York and Ratchet came to camp, and...

[ and there she does falter, mouth open, throat working, but all that comes out is a hitched breath as tears well up in her eyes again. ]

[ His own throat tightens. Misery rises up in him. He feels, stupidly, the first beginnings of tears in his own eyes, a little heat in his cheekbones that feels like -

No. No. He can't trust himself to speak, so he just looks away and shrugs at her and prays she doesn't see the faint trembling of his hands. I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry... ]

Byerly.

[ she doesn't raise her voice. she doesn't have to. she's shaking, too, much more visibly, but she doesn't move away. ]

Look at me.

[ He doesn't. He can't. He wheels and goes for the door. ]

Byerly!

[ this time it is a shout, a plea, a command -- she grabs for his shoulder to catch him, pull him back. ]

Byerly Vorrutyer, don't you dare walk out that door!

Don't -

[ That comes out a choked plea. He wrenches out of her grip. His head is buzzing. He feels sick. That's it, then - that's it - he's damned - ]

[ no -- no. she can't bear to stop herself now. she feels sick with hope, and it hurts, but she feels sick about so many other things, about hitting him, about the things he's said to her, about everything, and she doesn't know what of any of them would be worse, but she can't stop here. but her voice weakens at his voice, falling out of a shout, wavering. ]

Byerly?

[ But he just flees. Desperately trying to figure out how...how he'll get out of this, what story he'll give to them, how he'll explain this away. More than anything...how he'll keep her safe. I confess, I'm in love with her - my loyalty is absolute, I just hate the idea that I can't seduce her. Will that work? God, let it work... ]

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