sunchime | ☆ the vorkosigan saga psl post, volume 3

[ He doesn't move. He remains on his cot, his back to her. ]

You'd have been fine.

[ sonia shakes her head, even though he can't see. she rocks back and forth, shifting her weight from foot to foot. ]

I'm not a soldier. I couldn't outrun them, or fight back, or -- I don't think I could even find my way back to the camp alone, even if I did get that far.

You'd have found some Barrayarans. They'd have laid down their lives to save you, Princess.

[ for some reason that retreat back to her title feels like a small blow. sonia's throat tightens, and she clutches at her pillow before she finally throws it back down onto the cot in anguished frustration. ]

I'm tired of people laying down their lives for me! I'm tired of someone else always paying the price! If I tried to escape with you, Byerly, I'm not leaving you behind!

[ He presses his eyes closed, still not looking around at her. The Cetagandans know this already. There is no point to concealing this anymore. ]

I'm ImpSec, Sonia, and I have been all along. I'm not some conscriptee. I'm not even a common soldier. My sole task is to save and preserve the Imperium and the Vorbarra family no matter what.

[ sonia nearly staggers at that -- it comes so far out left field, so far beyond what she was expecting, that it stuns her stupid for a moment. ]

You're -- what?

[ He takes a breath. All he wants to do is stay curled up in a ball, face pressed to the wall. But instead, he shoves himself up, grits his jaw, and turns, finally, to face her. His face is haggard - he looks worse, even, than during those dark days of starvation and misery. ]

Imperial Security. Domestic Affairs. Not an agent by training, but that doesn't change my obligations to you.

[ sonia's gaze flutters, and so does her stomach. the immediate implications overwhelm her for a moment. my obligations to you. she hadn't ever wanted to be an obligation to him. and now...now it's even harder to see where the truth lies.

but there had been nothing in that interrogation but truth, cold as it was. sonia sucks in a shaky breath, looking at him like it's the first time she's seen him all over again, but there is no disappointment on her face, just a deep, quiet gratefulness she doesn't even know how to recognize yet. she clasps her hands together for lack of anything else to hold onto, takes another small step toward him. it takes her a moment to get the question out. ]

Is -- is that what you meant when you said I was...everything?

[ His gaze drops. He can't meet her gaze. His throat tightens again - and guilt rises up in him. If he hadn't been so...sentimental. If he hadn't had this need, this personal desire for - For her. Then it wouldn't have come to this head... ]

That is - part of it. You are my duty. Yes.

[ sonia's face feels hot, and she feels like they're coming close to something better left unknown -- something she shouldn't keep peeling away at -- but it's a bad habit of hers. she can't stop herself. and -- and she needs to know. she doesn't want to be his duty. god, she thought she'd finally been free of that with just one person. she swallows and watches him, teetering on the verge of another step. the cell isn't all that large. ]

And the rest?

[ And the curse is that he knows her. He knows that. He knows that to leave it at that would be too cruel. And he...becomes accursedly sentimental and soft with her. He can't help himself. He just can't... ]

I - care for you. Personally. That is the rest.

[ It comes out roughly. She's right. He's no good at being honest. Anything genuine comes out of his mouth bitterly, with difficulty. How is it so much easier to lie than it is to tell the truth? Lies come out with such smooth, careless confidence...But this is choked. Pathetic. ]

[ sonia's breath all leaves her in a rush, but it's a relieved breathlessness, leaving her slightly dizzy. tears prick at the corner of her eyes, but she doesn't dare blink or tear her gaze away from him, her foot landing softly on the floor as she takes another step closer. ]

Really? [ it's a plea for confirmation. please, please, tell me it wasn't all a lie. please tell me something in there was true. ] Then -- everything we -- our friendship, it was real?

[ He shuts his eyes a moment, too ashamed to look her in the eye. What's the point to hiding it? The Cetagandans already know. He's wept in front of them, over her. He's said it. She's everything. She's his weakness. A threat to her, and he'll bake at once. Because of his weakness for her, he is now...their creature. They hold his heart in a box. ]

As - real as I am capable of, Sonia.

[ she doesn't see his shame, or she doesn't care -- it doesn't matter -- relief comes down on her so strong she nearly wants to heave, she nearly buckles under it. everything is so wrong right now, and there are lies buried in truth buried in more lies that she hasn't begun to untangle yet, and she still hates herself, now more than ever, for hitting him like that -- but this, this is one thing, at least, is right. this is a comfort she can have.

she can hardly help herself. she lets out a choked noise and closes the distance between them in a single long stride, throwing her arms around him and pressing her face into his shoulder. she's shaking all over. her voice only comes out in a breathy whisper. ]

That's real enough for me.

[ His arms come up to embrace her - spasmodically, miserably, desperately. His embrace is tight, squeezing her with almost painful strength and need. ]

It's - not a good thing.

[ His voice comes out miserably, a grinding hoarse mumble. ]

I've ruined everything.

[ sonia clutches at him just as desperately, her breath coming in shaky against his shoulder. this -- she won't let go of this, can't let go of this. right now, it's all she has. ]

Yes it is. [ maybe her reasoning is selfish -- she's been known to be -- but it's fiercely heartfelt. she has so little of this in her life. her breath hitches in her throat as it tightens. she blinks back tears, her stomach still churning with the force of relief.

she shakes her head against him, her voice a thick, cracked whisper. ]

No. Not everything.

[ He shakes his head in return. ]

We're both - here.

We're alive.

[ a little psychologically broken and battered, maybe, but alive. if you're alive, you can keep fighting. if you're alive, you can still win.

sonia's grip tightens even further, almost painfully so, and she buries her face in his shoulder completely, still shaking. there is still so much to unpack, so much to swim through that it makes her sick to think of it, but -- they are alive. her voice is so muffled as to almost be inaudible. ]

I still have you.

[ A miserable scoff. He steps back to offer her a mocking bow. ]

A spy with a broken cover. Your worthless champion, madam.

[ she reluctantly lets him pull away to step back, and for all that it's a perfectly byerly thing to do, it stings somehow. sonia's brows draw down, her lashes still wet with tears. ]

Stop that. [ but her face edges into something more desperate as she looks up at him. her chest feels like it's caving in. ] Do you really think that's all you are?

[ He presses a hand to his heart, a miserable echo of his usual salute to her. ]

That is what I am. A liar with no lies left.

[ her brow furrows and this hurts in a way she can't quite place. every response is a rebuttal. she reaches out and presses her hand over his. ]

Lies aren't all you have, Byerly.

[ He smiles bitterly, shakes his head. Presses her hand. ]

You're very kind, Sonia. [ Cheer up for her. Find another lie. For her. ] And you're right. Yes. I'm still here to do whatever you need me to.

[ sonia's lips thin. all of this is too raw, too fresh for her to readily buy that one. she doesn't pull back, but tightens her hand on his. ]

Why do you keep doing that?

[ That gives him very slight pause. ]

Doing...what?

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