☆ the vorkosigan saga psl post, volume 3

[runawayballista]

welcome to hell

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[vorbratta]

[ she has time to think. entirely too much time to think, because hardly anyone comes except to bring food and water. she doesn't pace anymore, she's sick of pacing the length of the room and measuring every step. after they take byerly away she doesn't do anything but curl up on her cot and cry into her pillow, not just weeping tears but screaming them out, playing that scene over and over in her head again. there's too much to untangle, too much to unpack. if there was any trace of honesty in that, if he was doing anything but playing head games with her --

goddammit, byerly, you're awful at telling the truth.

but days go on, and the sting of hope fades, and she just feels miserable about what she's done. what she is, apparently, capable of. she feels sick with it. she wants it all undone.

this time when the chime comes she's curled up on her cot, red-eyed and clutching a pillow to her chest. she looks at the door warily, but she doesn't get up. ]

[vorrutyer]

[ If he had the option, he would keep avoiding her. He, unfortunately, does not. The Cetagandans have charged him to secure her cooperation - they believe she's close to breaking, and (they say) if they can bring her over to their side, then they'll have a handle on Xav. And if they have a handle on Xav, they have a handle on the whole resistance to Cetagandan rule.

And so By comes in again, looking perfectly long-suffering and weary. He looks better now, although his face is a little puffy. A little bruised. His opening line is brutal: ]

Done crying?

[vorbratta]

[ she looks up from her pillow, and it isn't the look of a girl who's just been crying, weeping, hiccuping. it's the look of a girl who's done crying because she's too tired to anymore, at least right now, and she looks flat-out miserable. the look she gives him is lidded, tired, a little dead-eyed but still thoroughly resentful. her voice is hoarse, quiet, her nose a little stuffy, but it's flat and perfectly audible to byerly. ]

I'm not going to hit you again. Just go.

[vorrutyer]

I'm certainly not attempting to be hit. That would be quite insane. No -

[ He crosses his arms. ]

I'm here to talk.

[vorbratta]

[ she ignores the question. he'll repeat it, she's sure. he's relentless in his own way. ]

Then why did you let me hit you the first time?

[vorrutyer]

[ He presses a hand to his heart and says, mockingly: ]

It would be dishonorable to hit a princess.

[vorbratta]

As if you have any honor left.

[ it's a weak insult, and she knows it won't faze byerly -- he'll probably just laugh at it. but she doesn't take her eyes off him, because he only half-answered the question. it's not the half she wants. so she just repeats: ]

Why did you let me hit you?

[ he could have stopped her at any point. she knows that. he's bigger, stronger -- probably isn't much for fighting, but you don't need to be just to push someone down. ]

[vorrutyer]

[ His lips thin just a bit. ]

What should I have done instead? Hit you back? Why are you pursuing this?

[vorbratta]

You could've stopped me. You wouldn't even have to hit me.

[ she could get up off the cot, walk toward him and see if he recoils again -- god, she thought that kind of thing was something only olivia was capable of -- but she doesn't move, drawing her knees up to her chest. she stares at byerly, eyes dry but her stomach is clenching all the same. ]

Did you want me to?

[vorrutyer]

[ He doesn't quite meet her eyes. ]

Have you ever been hit, Sonia? It's not a pleasant experience.

[vorbratta]

[ she doesn't answer that at first. then: ]

Yes.

[vorrutyer]

[ For just a moment - a split second - his eyes flicker. ]

When?

[vorbratta]

[ she sees that flicker. she wants to see it again. ]

Which time?

[vorrutyer]

Multiple times, then.

[vorbratta]

[ she still hasn't taken her eyes off him. ]

Yes.

[vorrutyer]

[ And there's more of that flicker. A fierceness behind the bored mask. Though his good sense reasserts itself. ]

Well, that's not any of my business. In the past now, I suppose.

[vorbratta]

For now.

[ she doesn't think byerly would hit her. no, she believes that, at least. but most of the people who ever hit her -- they were trying to kill her, or take her. but she's already taken here, and byerly has no interest in killing her. no, she saw that flicker again. she can't just be imagining it. she hugs her pillow, resting her chin on it. ]

I told you I don't want to talk to you.

[vorrutyer]

[ Thank god she doesn't press the issue. If she did -

Well.

He gives a huge sigh. ]

That's perfectly grand, but not an option that's open to you. You are a prisoner here.

[vorbratta]

[ and then sonia actually smiles, just for a second -- tired and grim and fuck you, that's all it says. ]

And what are you going to do if I don't? Hit me?

[vorrutyer]

[ Just with the slightest hint of tension: ]

I'm not hitting you.

[vorbratta]

Not you, no. But the guards?

[ she's just being mean now, because she can, because she's tired and hurt beyond all measure, in a way she doesn't even how qualify. that flat look wavers, weakens as she huddles on the cot, blanket around her shoulders. ]

So how do you think you'll make me talk, then?

[vorrutyer]

[ He takes a breath in, tries to recover his confidence. ]

Well. I think you want to talk to me.

[vorbratta]

[ sonia's brows draw town. she tilts her head to the side. ]

Why would I want to talk to you, Byerly?

[ she makes his name sound -- not like a curse, but something altogether unpleasant. ]

[vorrutyer]

Because I know you like to talk.

[vorbratta]

[ she looks hurt, but there's resentment in there too, just as fierce. fuck off, byerly is on the tip of her tongue, but she swallows it back. ]

That doesn't mean I want to talk to you.