sunchime | ☆ the vorkosigan saga psl post, volume 3

Oh, Byerly.

[ his name comes out as a sigh, but not a frustrated one. a little mournful, perhaps, but mostly...soft. she reaches up to cup his face in her hands, her eyes serious but achingly sincere. ]

It wouldn't have helped. Making me angrier with you wouldn't have helped. If that would have been your only reason... [ she sighs, because she wishes it wasn't, but that's selfishness on her part. ] Then I'm glad you didn't.

[ He leans slightly into her hand. Miserably: ]

I wanted to tell you. I argued - hard.

[ she rubs her thumb over the rise of his cheek, her gaze soft, just holding him there, as though she's worried he may fall. she knows he wanted to tell her from the interrogation, but just how badly, she wasn't aware. ]

Trying to win an argument with Count Piotr is a bit like trying to bash your head through a brick wall. [ she knows. her voice is sympathetic, even slightly light. ] I'm sorry that you couldn't.

[ for his peace of mind, if nothing else, although...although sonia doesn't think she'd have been able to protect byerly any better if she had known. ]

I'm sorry.

[ He shakes his head. ]

I'm - terribly sorry. And I'm sorry that I wasn't able to help you here.

[ sonia holds his face gently even as he shakes his head, staying close, and then it's her turn to shake her head. ]

It's alright.

[ nothing is alright right now, not really. sonia still feels horribly shaken and sick, the memory of that awful rage byerly had goaded her into still hovering on the edge of her mind, and she's clinging hard to this, to byerly being as honest as he knows how and then some, because it's the only thing to hold onto. she feels like she might fall apart otherwise. ]

It's alright. It's -- we'll get through this together.

Yes.

[ His fingers curl around hers. And he says, with painful honesty, for the third time: ]

I am yours, Sonia.

[ that honesty scares her -- the sheer gravity of it dropping into her stomach makes her head spin, but it's an honesty she won't refuse. even as that shaken look passes over her face, it's just as soon replaced by one quietly determined despite the sheer, overwhelming terror of this all. despite all the attempts, she's never been captured before, and all of this with byerly -- it's all so much. but she doesn't look away, and she turns her hand away from his face to grip his tightly. ]

Well, good. Because I want you. [ that, too, is painfully honest, and even for sonia, always so sincere, it makes her chest hurt just to say. her throat tightens and she attempts a slight smile, but it comes out watery, and her voice breaks slightly. ] I just wanted you back.

[ He flinches at that tremble in her voice. His voice is rough in return. ]

I don't...deserve that - desire. But I am honored by it.

I don't understand why.

[ her voice comes out soft. it's not an argument, she just...wishes byerly would try and see himself the way she does, sometimes. she squeezes his hand tightly in some vague reassurance, still feeling badly shaken inside, but she's keeping it together for now. ]

Was there anything else? That you lied about, I mean?

[ she wants to hear it all now. but if what he's said was all he had to hide...there's little she can fault him for. ]

[ His lips tighten ironically. ]

I don't know.

[ He lies so much. Might as well ask him how many breaths he's taken. ]

[ ah. small things, then, if he can't remember them all, but small things make up the big things. sonia's expression flickers slightly. ]

But you'd tell me the truth if I asked you now?

I would -

[ His eyes flicker to the side. ]

I would - do my best.

[ sonia knows she can't ask anything more of byerly, not when this is already so difficult for him. she's quiet for a moment, still holding onto his hand. her other hand drops away from his face. ]

What would you have done if I'd forsworn Barrayar after all? Bought into that fantasy of escape?

[ This one's easy. ]

It would have depended on whether we'd have been able to get away or not. Ideally, I'd have taken you to Vorbarr Sultana under the pretense of getting a shuttle off-planet, and then I'd have rendezvoused with the Barrayaran forces. In a best-case scenario, I'd have gotten you to Beta. If we hadn't been able to escape, then I'd have...continued to encourage the impression that you were no longer committed to Barrayar, to win you more privileges and freer movement.

[ she's taken aback at that one, blinking and open-mouthed. ]

That -- that part was true?

[ He's just a little uncertain, frowning a touch, confused by her confusion. ]

The Cetagandans wanted me to undermine your loyalty. That was what I was aiming for, yes.

No, I get it, I just -- didn't think it was anything but a fantasy you were selling me. I didn't think anything would actually come of it.

[ because the plan to spirit her away, to anywhere she wanted, it had never seemed all that real. at the time it had seemed like so much snake oil. she bites her lip. ]

But...if you really did manage to undermine my loyalty... [ a thought she doesn't relish, but she'd been angry and scared and hurt and refused to give in anyway. ] Why would you help me then? I'd have made myself a traitor.

[ He looks back at her steadily. ]

My loyalty to you does not remotely depend on where your own loyalties lie.

[ she truly doesn't know what to say to that at first. emotion wells up in her chest, something she can't quite detangle, but it moves her deeply. the enormity of it shakes her. she looks right back at him, but her eyes are wide, lit by some small spark of awe. ]

You would...go with me if I left Barrayar behind?

[ That - That he doesn't know. His face tightens with uncertainty. His eyes dart to the side. ]

I will - always serve Barrayar. Even if it happens elsewhere.

[ she sees that uncertainty and she's not sure if it's a relief or not, but she lets out a small breath she didn't know she was holding. she finds she suddenly needs to sit, and she drops herself down onto byerly's cot next to him, releasing his hand. ]

It's alright. It's all hypotheticals now. [ quietly: ] And...you don't have to worry about that from me anyway.

[ still, the idea that byerly could have spirited her away somewhere...the thought does bring a pang. she looks up at him, brow furrowed. ]

Why me?

[ He shifts when she sits. It's...a relief that she's moved on to slightly less fraught questions.

Slightly. ]

Why you? What do you mean?

[ sonia gestures uselessly with one hand. she's tired, she's shaken up, and she still feels sick. but there is relief. cold, nauseating floods of relief. ]

I mean your...loyalty. To me. [ it's so absolute. it still scares her a little, taking comfort in an abyss she hasn't yet seen the bottom of. but it's byerly's comfort she wants, needs. ] Why me? Specifically? Why not someone else? I'm not...you're not even from this time.

[ That's - too personal. Too vulnerable. And so, automatically, without even thinking about it, he lies: ]

You're Vorbarra. My oaths were to your family.

Byerly. [ she narrows her eyes at him, brow furrowed, her lips drawn taut. ] You said you'd be honest with me.

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