☆ the vorkosigan saga psl post, volume 3

[runawayballista]

welcome to hell

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[vorbratta]

[ that grabs at her in a way she doesn't want to, really, really doesn't want to, but she absently clutches her pillow and looks at him. she almost manages to contain that slight falter, but not quite. ]

You make me feel more alone than an empty room. [ she stares at him. her chest feels uncomfortably tight. ] What do you think could possibly change that?

[vorrutyer]

[ That feels like a blow to the face. Which means: he likes it. ]

Why an empty room? I'm the same man you were friends with before.

[vorbratta]

It's all the company I have.

[ she keeps her voice short, or at least tries, but she falters then, because her chest only gets tighter thinking about that. about before. her breath hitches. ]

I know. [ is that a blow? even sonia isn't sure. ] But I was foolish before. Stupid. I just wasn't looking at you in the right light.

[ some of that had been willful ignorance. a refusal to believe that byerly really was the awful, undeserving man he claimed. but he just needed a little lifting up, that was all, sonia had thought. and now she's never felt so low. ]

[vorrutyer]

[ Indifferently, loftily, he reminds her: ]

I told you who I was.

[vorbratta]

I know.

[ she says it again, but she has to grind out the words, half-choking on them. she swallows, hard. ]

I was stupid. I made mistakes. A pointless waste of energy.

[vorrutyer]

Well. All you can do now is move forward.

[vorbratta]

[ and then, for the first time, a little bit of scornful sarcasm sneaks into her voice. the look she gives him is almost haughty, if she didn't look so tired. ]

With you?

[vorrutyer]

Yes. With me. That wasn't such a terrible thought before.

[vorbratta]

Before you decided just Barrayar wasn't good enough for you.

[ she looks at him warily. now she's the one that feels like prey. she doesn't want to hate byerly. she doesn't want him dead. she just...wants it all undone.

but that's impossible. she keeps the scorn in her voice as much as she can, because it's her only defense right now. ]

And how? You want me to join you in your betrayal? I'd sooner die.

[vorrutyer]

Why?

[ His voice grows softer. Just a little more sentimental. ]

What has Barrayar ever done for you?

[vorbratta]

[ she swallows, can't unclench her teeth enough not to grind out the words. ]

It's my home.

[vorrutyer]

It's your place of residence. Tell me: if you could have chosen all the planets in all the Nexus, would you have chosen this one?

[vorbratta]

[ sonia's stomach goes cold. she doesn't want to answer the equation, so she evades. ]

I sure as hell wouldn't choose Cetaganda.

[vorrutyer]

[ He presses: ]

But would you choose Barrayar.

[vorbratta]

[ she finds herself getting flustered, because in ten years, she still hasn't decided what to do after the war is over. stay or go back to beta colony? or keep trying to live between them both? sonia uses every evasion she can, holding onto her pillow like it could somehow protect her. ]

Why do you care?

[vorrutyer]

[ He lowers his eyelids at her, saying lowly: ]

You think I don't want you with me?

[vorbratta]

[ an unwanted shiver passes through her at that, and it shows on her face for just a fleeting moment. those looks, that voice, they had excited her not all that long ago. teased and tantalized, made her want. but it was purely for play, wasn't it? she's still staring at him, jaw tense, everything tense, but something about it has shifted. she feels like she's starting to lose her footing. she tries for a glare, biting the inside of her cheek. ]

You think I'd go anywhere with you?

[vorrutyer]

[ Murmured: ]

Why not?

Don't think of Barrayar. Don't think of Cetaganda. Just think of yourself. What life do you want?

[vorbratta]

[ she has. plenty of times. she's had plenty of time to think about it, about how much she hates this war, how much she wishes vorbarr sultana could be a real place again, how much she wishes she could go back to beta colony and finish her schooling, how much she wishes for a normal life in every area. her voice shakes a little. ]

It's not about what I want. [ anything for barrayar, right? but then, a little more fiercely: ] And you haven't come anywhere near me since you entered this room.

[vorrutyer]

[ That - wasn't the response he expected. It unnerves him a moment before he figures out some response...some plausible-sounding response. ]

Does that offend you, Sonia? I thought you didn't want me near you. I was just being kind.

[vorbratta]

[ sonia lets out a painful hiss at that -- not physical pain, although it might as well be. i was just being kind. she feels like retching. she doesn't want to give him an opening to hurt her more, so she latches onto what she thinks must be the safest thing. ]

And you expect me to believe you want me to go anywhere with you?

[vorrutyer]

[ Ah. ]

Worried about my feelings? How sweet. I just don't want to get slapped again.

[vorbratta]

I told you I'm not going to hit you again.

[ but her stomach churns unpleasantly, and she has to swallow hard again. in a moment of weakness, one hand unclutches the pillow to rub at her mouth, her gaze dropping. ]

I can't leave Barrayar.

[vorrutyer]

Why not? You've told me yourself. You feel useless here.

[vorbratta]

[ her gaze snaps back up, angry and red-eyed. ]

You made me feel otherwise.

[ you made me believe otherwise is what she should have said as soon as the words slip out of her mouth. she doesn't know if this is any better or worse than when she was hitting him. ]