☆ the vorkosigan saga psl post, volume 3

[runawayballista]

welcome to hell

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[vorbratta]

I told you I'm not going to hit you again.

[ but her stomach churns unpleasantly, and she has to swallow hard again. in a moment of weakness, one hand unclutches the pillow to rub at her mouth, her gaze dropping. ]

I can't leave Barrayar.

[vorrutyer]

Why not? You've told me yourself. You feel useless here.

[vorbratta]

[ her gaze snaps back up, angry and red-eyed. ]

You made me feel otherwise.

[ you made me believe otherwise is what she should have said as soon as the words slip out of her mouth. she doesn't know if this is any better or worse than when she was hitting him. ]

[vorrutyer]

[ It's a struggle to keep from flinching. He...manages. Somehow. ]

Temporarily, no doubt. Do you feel that way now?

[vorbratta]

[ bitterly: ]

I'm useless here.

[vorrutyer]

So why not run away? Anywhere. With me. Where do you want to go?

[vorbratta]

[ she shouldn't be letting him goad her like this. it shouldn't be happening. she should be better than this, stronger than this. like her sister. like her sister who isn't anything like sonia. finally, she just bursts out: ]

I don't know!

[vorrutyer]

Well, think about it.

[ His voice is low. Persuasive. ]

And then let me take you there.

[vorbratta]

[ she finds it suddenly hard to swallow, her face hot. no. no. she should be immune to this by now, inoculated against it by his cruelty. she shouldn't react. she doesn't want to react. but she does despite herself, a little flicker of desperation on her face. she tries to pull herself together, scramble for her last line of defense. ]

You didn't want me then, and I don't think you really want me now, either. [ and then, for good measure, because she desperately needs it: ] Hard to believe from a man who can't even bring himself to stand within two meters of me.

[vorrutyer]

[ A...cogent observation. His lips thin for just a moment - and then, casually, indifferently, he shrugs. ]

Why would I be coming to see you if I didn't want to be with you? That doesn't make sense. You have to understand how much fondness I have for you, Sonia. You're a very beautiful woman, after all.

[vorbratta]

[ color rises to her cheeks, and she hates herself for it, can't quite stop herself from covering her mouth with one hand. she stares at him, feeling dizzy again because she knows he's running her around in circles, keeping her off-balance. that's what it feels like, anyway. she tries to swallow, tries to make herself sound dignified. like her sister would. like her sister always would. but sonia isn't her sister. ]

I didn't know you treated beautiful women like lepers, Byerly.

[vorrutyer]

[ A bubble of frustration builds in him, rising up alongside his misery. ]

And how are you a leper? We've touched many times, haven't we?

[vorbratta]

[ she does flinch at that, just slightly, and she feels herself getting upset again. because byerly had sold her a fantasy once, and he's trying to sell her another one now, but she keeps telling herself it's snake oil. has to be. she looks at him -- no fear in her eyes, just hurt and desperation she tries fruitlessly to conceal.

flatly: ]

Not since you walked into this room.

[vorrutyer]

[ He meets her eyes for only a moment before looking away. ]

Well. Your revulsion at the thought of me touching you rather reduced my interest in touching you. Marvelous how that works.

[vorbratta]

Revulsion?

[ she doesn't mean to repeat the word out loud, and it's for the best that byerly looks away, because he doesn't see the flicker of surprise on her face. angry, yes, she'd been furious and hurting and god, got more carried away than she's ever been in her life, but she didn't think he'd interpreted that as revulsion. she'd hit him, over and over again, because she was angry and hurt and byerly had goaded her into it. but it wasn't revulsion. it should have been. she wishes it was. given more time before seeing him again, maybe that spark she'd so fervently chased would have faded thoroughly.

her grip loosens on her pillow. she pushes it aside. she doesn't quite stand, not yet. ]

You think I hit you out of revulsion?

[vorrutyer]

[ He glances down at her, momentarily uncertain and uncomfortable, before shrugging again. ]

Aren't you revolted?

[vorbratta]

[ sonia's eyes narrow for just a moment at that look on his face. the other day he'd recoiled from her after they fell, visibly, afraid of her. curiosity overtakes her, and maybe it's cruel, but any cruelty she could enact here pales in comparison to byerly's betrayal.

she pushes herself up from the cot, mindful of her sprained wrist, though it's mostly fine by now. she walks very slowly across the room, each deliberate step taking her closer to byerly. she evades the question, she refuses to answer. she doesn't think she'll have to. ]

Is that why you wanted me to hit you?

[vorrutyer]

[ His face goes a little wary. His lips tighten. He eyes her and spins out some quick, vicious lies. ]

I wanted you to hit me because I wanted you to be fully aware of what you're capable of. Tell me, Sonia, did you like yourself when you were being violent? That, dear girl, is what the Barrayarans made you. Why are you loyal to them?

[vorbratta]

[ she stops in her tracks, looking stricken. he might as well have delivered a blow to her chest. she has to blink back tears. dammit, she thought she'd cried herself out by now. ]

No! [ she can't control her outburst this time, her voice rising sharply. it echoes in the small room. ] No, I hated it! I hated myself, every minute of it! And I still do!

[ her breath catches and she stares at him hard, jaw tense. ]

Is that what you wanted? That I'd hate myself enough to want you again?

[ she never stopped, somehow, and she hates herself for that, too. it's impossible to forget the way he'd made her feel when he looked at her back then. ]

[vorrutyer]

[ He is a foul man. He is a foul, foul man. For a moment, the thought floats through his mind - he could turn on his heel right now, shed his outer garments, and walk out into the cold. Find some place to sit until it's over. He just -

I hated myself, I still do -

He doesn't want her to hate herself. He doesn't want...He wants her to hate him, he wants her to be furious and full of righteous rage. He doesn't want her to hate herself. She hasn't done anything wrong - she's only ever been good and true -

He can't help it. He flinches outright at that declaration, a deeply miserably stricken expression crossing his face. He wheels bodily, turning himself away from her and pretending to pace the room out of annoyance - truthfully, pacing until he can get himself under control again. ]

I suppose that would be a charming side-benefit. But I don't need you to want me, Sonia. All I want is for you to realize the futility of this fight, as I myself did.

[vorbratta]

[ it's impossible to miss that flinch, that look on his face. it only makes her more frustrated. she's smart, she's clever, but she doesn't know if she's smart enough to tease out truth from lies with byerly. or if there's any truth at all in here. is it all lies? was even that look on his face carefully calculated, designed to throw her into even more confusion?

she starts walking again, just as slowly, following byerly wherever he pace. she shakes her head without breaking her gaze away from his back. ]

No. [ this time her voice comes out quiet, breathy. ] No, all you did was prove yourself wrong.

[vorrutyer]

[ He stops. He...feels trapped by her. By her presence. ]

Wrong? In what way?

[vorbratta]

I hate myself for what I did.

[ he stops, but she doesn't. her slow, inexorable pace doesn't stop, even if she chokes on her voice a little. ]

It wasn't something I even -- I didn't think I could do that. But I did. And if you could get that much of a rise out of -- out of some naive, foolish girl, just one betrayal of heart and honor -- if just a single person could make me want to fight that badly -- what makes you think an entire planet of bloody warriors are going to stop until they've killed or driven off every single Cetagandan on Barrayar?

[vorrutyer]

[ He keeps his face trained away from hers. ]

Ah, but you're a bit unusual, aren't you. There are as many collaborators on Barrayar as there are resistors. Take myself, for instance. [ He lowers himself in an ironic bow, still not meeting her eyes. ] As Vor as you, but not willing to commit violence for this world any longer. There are any number of others, as well - Vorfolse, Vorhalas, Vorbataille -

[vorbratta]

[ she abruptly cuts him off, sounding fiercer. ]

For every traitor, we fight ten times as hard. Honor means nothing to them -- to you -- so we bear it ourselves. [ she hasn't stopped or skipped a single step, hasn't slowed or quickened her pace. ] I'm not a soldier. I'm not a warrior. But how moved do you think General Vorkosigan would be by your little speech? Or Olivia? Or Miles?