☆ the vorkosigan saga psl post, volume 3

[runawayballista]

welcome to hell

Comments

[vorrutyer]

It seems that I do too. In spite of the image I want to maintain. You'll keep it a secret, won't you? My soft spot for goodness.

[vorbratta]

I shan't breathe a word.

[ her mouth twitches into a slightly wider smile, but the tension in her chest nearly breaks, and she buries her face in his arm, wrapping hers around it. she sucks in a sharp breath, squeezing her eyes shut. ]

Will you keep a secret for me too?

[vorrutyer]

[ Uncertain, with pain squeezing at his chest, he reaches up with his free hand to stroke her hair. ]

Of course.

[vorbratta]

Don't --

[ her throat seizes, and she can't quite get it out. she swallows. ]

Don't tell anyone what happened that first day. About what I did to you. I don't -- I don't want anyone else to know.

[vorrutyer]

[ Uncertainly - ]

What you did to...Hitting me, you mean?

[vorbratta]

[ she clutches his arm a little tighter. quietly: ]

Yes.

[vorrutyer]

I had thought that was...cathartic for you.

[vorbratta]

[ her stomach goes a little cold. cathartic isn't a word she'd have thought to use. but he isn't wrong. and he's being honest with her, which is asking a lot of him. she shouldn't be anything less than honest with him. sonia presses her cheek to his arm. ]

It... [ it's her struggling now, trying to pull some truth out of herself. her voice goes smaller. ] It was. But I wish it wasn't. I wish I hadn't done it. There was no reason for it. None at all. And I don't...I don't want anyone else knowing I could do something like that.

[vorrutyer]

[ He looks down. ]

But you were not doing anything...wrong.

what perfect timing i literally just got home

[vorbratta]

[ her brows draw down, her mouth pinched -- a little childish-looking, with how she's been crying, but no less serious. ]

Why? Because you wanted me to?

I know, I'm stalking you

[vorrutyer]

Because I - had wronged you. Have wronged you.

i KNEW that was you at my window!

[vorbratta]

[ sonia pulls back slightly to give him a look. it's the same look she always gives him when she's convinced he's spouting bullshit, but wants to see where he's going with it so she can trace it back to the source, whatever wellspring of bullshit he's pulling from to self-justify. ]

So you thought you needed to be beaten for it?

[vorrutyer]

[ His brows draw down. He looks stressed. ]

What I wanted wasn't...relevant. It was just what you wanted.

[vorbratta]

[ welcome to the club, byerly. sonia looks so stressed she might fall apart, but she's holding herself together just with that look at byerly, red-rimmed eyes not quite narrowed, but uncomfortably steady. ]

So you came that day to give me what I wanted?

[vorrutyer]

[ He...can't quite hold her gaze. ]

I came for...a few reasons. To check on you, mostly.

[vorbratta]

[ sonia knows that acts of cruelty were a part of his cover. it's a bitter pill, but not too big for her to swallow. she's barrayaran enough to sympathize with that. but still her lips purse, gaze flattening slightly. ]

To check on me.

[vorrutyer]

Yes.

[ He doesn't look up. ]

I was...worried.

[vorbratta]

[ she doesn't think he's lying, is the thing. he's just...being byerly about it. sonia's eyes don't leave his face. ]

Worried?

[vorrutyer]

Yes. About you. Whether you'd been hurt. Whether you were - all right.

[vorbratta]

[ she does falter a second, biting her lips together. she knows she had hit him first. but once was all she wanted, and even then she hadn't liked the way the urge had just overtaken her. but she hadn't wanted to do it again. ]

Were they not...telling you anything?

[vorrutyer]

I didn't trust them.

[ His lips tighten. ]

They play games. They're playing games right now. Their word means - nothing.

[vorbratta]

[ sonia's stomach tightens. yes, she knows they are. this whole room is just a cruel game. and even now, even talking to byerly, she still feels trapped. ]

But they let you see me.

[vorrutyer]

Yes.

[ He swallows and looks down. ]

I suspect...They knew I would betray myself before you. Or they hoped I would betray myself.

[vorbratta]

[ so this wasn't your fault, either. sonia bites down on the inside of her cheek, realizing she's clutching tightly at byerly's arm. she forces herself to relax her grip. ]

What...were you expecting?

[ he'd been worried she might have been hurt. what was he hoping not to find? ]

[vorrutyer]

[ He shakes his head. ]

I can't say.

[ He can say. He just doesn't want to. ]