☆ the vorkosigan saga psl post, volume 3

[runawayballista]

welcome to hell

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[vorrutyer]

[ And the curse is that he knows her. He knows that. He knows that to leave it at that would be too cruel. And he...becomes accursedly sentimental and soft with her. He can't help himself. He just can't... ]

I - care for you. Personally. That is the rest.

[ It comes out roughly. She's right. He's no good at being honest. Anything genuine comes out of his mouth bitterly, with difficulty. How is it so much easier to lie than it is to tell the truth? Lies come out with such smooth, careless confidence...But this is choked. Pathetic. ]

[vorbratta]

[ sonia's breath all leaves her in a rush, but it's a relieved breathlessness, leaving her slightly dizzy. tears prick at the corner of her eyes, but she doesn't dare blink or tear her gaze away from him, her foot landing softly on the floor as she takes another step closer. ]

Really? [ it's a plea for confirmation. please, please, tell me it wasn't all a lie. please tell me something in there was true. ] Then -- everything we -- our friendship, it was real?

[vorrutyer]

[ He shuts his eyes a moment, too ashamed to look her in the eye. What's the point to hiding it? The Cetagandans already know. He's wept in front of them, over her. He's said it. She's everything. She's his weakness. A threat to her, and he'll bake at once. Because of his weakness for her, he is now...their creature. They hold his heart in a box. ]

As - real as I am capable of, Sonia.

[vorbratta]

[ she doesn't see his shame, or she doesn't care -- it doesn't matter -- relief comes down on her so strong she nearly wants to heave, she nearly buckles under it. everything is so wrong right now, and there are lies buried in truth buried in more lies that she hasn't begun to untangle yet, and she still hates herself, now more than ever, for hitting him like that -- but this, this is one thing, at least, is right. this is a comfort she can have.

she can hardly help herself. she lets out a choked noise and closes the distance between them in a single long stride, throwing her arms around him and pressing her face into his shoulder. she's shaking all over. her voice only comes out in a breathy whisper. ]

That's real enough for me.

[vorrutyer]

[ His arms come up to embrace her - spasmodically, miserably, desperately. His embrace is tight, squeezing her with almost painful strength and need. ]

It's - not a good thing.

[ His voice comes out miserably, a grinding hoarse mumble. ]

I've ruined everything.

[vorbratta]

[ sonia clutches at him just as desperately, her breath coming in shaky against his shoulder. this -- she won't let go of this, can't let go of this. right now, it's all she has. ]

Yes it is. [ maybe her reasoning is selfish -- she's been known to be -- but it's fiercely heartfelt. she has so little of this in her life. her breath hitches in her throat as it tightens. she blinks back tears, her stomach still churning with the force of relief.

she shakes her head against him, her voice a thick, cracked whisper. ]

No. Not everything.

[vorrutyer]

[ He shakes his head in return. ]

We're both - here.

[vorbratta]

We're alive.

[ a little psychologically broken and battered, maybe, but alive. if you're alive, you can keep fighting. if you're alive, you can still win.

sonia's grip tightens even further, almost painfully so, and she buries her face in his shoulder completely, still shaking. there is still so much to unpack, so much to swim through that it makes her sick to think of it, but -- they are alive. her voice is so muffled as to almost be inaudible. ]

I still have you.

[vorrutyer]

[ A miserable scoff. He steps back to offer her a mocking bow. ]

A spy with a broken cover. Your worthless champion, madam.

[vorbratta]

[ she reluctantly lets him pull away to step back, and for all that it's a perfectly byerly thing to do, it stings somehow. sonia's brows draw down, her lashes still wet with tears. ]

Stop that. [ but her face edges into something more desperate as she looks up at him. her chest feels like it's caving in. ] Do you really think that's all you are?

[vorrutyer]

[ He presses a hand to his heart, a miserable echo of his usual salute to her. ]

That is what I am. A liar with no lies left.

[vorbratta]

[ her brow furrows and this hurts in a way she can't quite place. every response is a rebuttal. she reaches out and presses her hand over his. ]

Lies aren't all you have, Byerly.

[vorrutyer]

[ He smiles bitterly, shakes his head. Presses her hand. ]

You're very kind, Sonia. [ Cheer up for her. Find another lie. For her. ] And you're right. Yes. I'm still here to do whatever you need me to.

[vorbratta]

[ sonia's lips thin. all of this is too raw, too fresh for her to readily buy that one. she doesn't pull back, but tightens her hand on his. ]

Why do you keep doing that?

[vorrutyer]

[ That gives him very slight pause. ]

Doing...what?

[vorbratta]

Trying to lie just to make me feel better.

[ yes, trying. her look is too tired and heavy for a pout, but it has that same plaintive air. ]

It doesn't, you know.

[vorrutyer]

[ His eyes slide away from hers. His eyebrows lift. ]

Hardly lying.

[vorbratta]

You know what I mean. [ her tone is only vaguely accusatory. just matter-of-fact. ] It amounts to the same thing. If it's supposed to protect me, or comfort me -- it doesn't. So please, just...stop.

[vorrutyer]

[ His lips twist. But he surrenders. ]

Then you'd prefer miserable truths?

[vorbratta]

Yes.

[ there's no hesitation, even if she does still seem shaky. she just looks at byerly -- looks at him like she wishes she could show him a mirror and make him understand, like she wishes he would only step back and look at her. miserable truths she's dealt with for years, however poorly. it's the lies that tear her up -- that still do, all the hovering questions still left from those times he'd visited. ]

[vorrutyer]

Then you'd be altogether unique.

[ He says that quietly. He doesn't meet her eyes. ]

No one wants that. Not truly.

[vorbratta]

[ sonia's stomach tightens at that, but she lifts her chin and even manages to draw a bit of that haughtiness into her look. ]

I already am. [ she keeps her eyes on his face, waiting for him to look back. ] You can't tell me what I do or don't want, Byerly.

[vorrutyer]

[ He doesn't look at her. His eyes remain firmly turned away. But he does bow. ]

As you wish, Princess.

[vorbratta]

[ she flinches slightly at princess, because whenever he uses her title instead of her name it feels so much more like a retreat than anything, and the last thing she wants is for him to crawl farther away. she wrings her own hands together, trying to curb the urge to bite at the ends of her hair instead. ]

If our friendship was real, if it wasn't a lie...then there must be something beyond the lies.

[ she hesitates, reluctant to draw from this well, but it's relevant. ]

And if you are really loyal to the Vorbarra line, if you really would lay down your life for me with so little thought... [ she sucks in a small, spasmodic breath and puffs it out. ] Honor doesn't exist in a vacuum, Byerly.

[vorrutyer]

[ His eyes flick up now to meet hers. There's something miserable and stricken in his gaze, even as he smiles. ]

Honor? No, no, no honor. Not from me.

[ The smile fades, then, leaving only that miserable expression. ]

But my loyalty is absolute. I belong to you, Sonia. Body and soul. For whatever that is worth.