sunchime | ☆ the vorkosigan saga psl post, volume 3

Trying to lie just to make me feel better.

[ yes, trying. her look is too tired and heavy for a pout, but it has that same plaintive air. ]

It doesn't, you know.

[ His eyes slide away from hers. His eyebrows lift. ]

Hardly lying.

You know what I mean. [ her tone is only vaguely accusatory. just matter-of-fact. ] It amounts to the same thing. If it's supposed to protect me, or comfort me -- it doesn't. So please, just...stop.

[ His lips twist. But he surrenders. ]

Then you'd prefer miserable truths?

Yes.

[ there's no hesitation, even if she does still seem shaky. she just looks at byerly -- looks at him like she wishes she could show him a mirror and make him understand, like she wishes he would only step back and look at her. miserable truths she's dealt with for years, however poorly. it's the lies that tear her up -- that still do, all the hovering questions still left from those times he'd visited. ]

Then you'd be altogether unique.

[ He says that quietly. He doesn't meet her eyes. ]

No one wants that. Not truly.

[ sonia's stomach tightens at that, but she lifts her chin and even manages to draw a bit of that haughtiness into her look. ]

I already am. [ she keeps her eyes on his face, waiting for him to look back. ] You can't tell me what I do or don't want, Byerly.

[ He doesn't look at her. His eyes remain firmly turned away. But he does bow. ]

As you wish, Princess.

[ she flinches slightly at princess, because whenever he uses her title instead of her name it feels so much more like a retreat than anything, and the last thing she wants is for him to crawl farther away. she wrings her own hands together, trying to curb the urge to bite at the ends of her hair instead. ]

If our friendship was real, if it wasn't a lie...then there must be something beyond the lies.

[ she hesitates, reluctant to draw from this well, but it's relevant. ]

And if you are really loyal to the Vorbarra line, if you really would lay down your life for me with so little thought... [ she sucks in a small, spasmodic breath and puffs it out. ] Honor doesn't exist in a vacuum, Byerly.

[ His eyes flick up now to meet hers. There's something miserable and stricken in his gaze, even as he smiles. ]

Honor? No, no, no honor. Not from me.

[ The smile fades, then, leaving only that miserable expression. ]

But my loyalty is absolute. I belong to you, Sonia. Body and soul. For whatever that is worth.

[ that look hurts. sonia swallows, her expression sobering. ]

Loyalty is a kind of honor in itself.

[ the words are quiet, full of conviction. she knows he'll argue, so she moves on. she tries to catch his gaze but can't seem to. ]

And what about our friendship? Are we still friends?

[ He closes his eyes. ]

That...depends on you. You have been only truthful with me. But I have lied to you.

[ sonia swallows, bracing herself. this confusing web of lies has made her uncertain, unsteady, but if she can't trust him to be honest now, then nothing short of fast-penta would convince her. she knows that. her gaze is unwavering, an intensity sprouting from within that she'd sooner associate with her sister than herself. ]

About what? Tell me.

About my identity. Who I am. What I was doing.

[ after a moment, sonia nods. ]

Right, you're...ImpSec. And you came from the future, like Miles. [ something she should have been clever enough to put together for herself. she silently berates herself for it, but moves on. ] What else?

Yes. And - my mission.

[ sonia's eyes urge him on, willing him to look back at her. ]

What is your mission, then?

[ He doesn't look at her. He can't. ]

To spy on Cetaganda. To appear a traitor to Barrayar so that they would accept me as one of theirs. To find other saboteurs amongst their number.

Well, I know that now.

[ it doesn't quite come through her teeth, but she's not upset, not really. not any more than she has been this whole conversation. she'd sat through that entire fast-penta interrogation. ]

You were under orders to lie to me about it.

And I obeyed. Lied to you directly. Did nothing to ensure that it was...less cruel.

You were following orders.

[ after ten years of war, she understands that. it doesn't mean it never hurts, but she understands that much. painful as it had been, she...can't find it in herself to fault him for that. she shakes her head, pushing her hair from her face. ]

What could you possibly have done to soften that blow?

[ His eyes drop further. ]

I wish I knew.

[ sonia's gaze drops too, her face softening. she steps in close again, reaches for his hand. her voice is thick, a little choked, but not forced. ]

There isn't anything, Byerly. There isn't anything anyone could have done. [ not a comforting thing to hear, she knows. especially after he's seen her angry and upset and beside herself over it. but it is, at least, the truth. ] Hating you wouldn't have made it any easier. There was nothing you failed to do.

[ His lips tighten. Haltingly - ]

I've wondered - if I'd slept with you - if you'd have thought I was a scoundrel and nothing more...

[ watching byerly struggle like this is always so disconcerting, but she knows it means he's trying, very hard, to be honest with her. she doesn't quite answer him, but she reaches for his hand, lightly touching her fingers to his. ]

Is that why you said no?

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