sunchime | ☆ the vorkosigan saga psl post, volume 3

[ sonia almost chokes on her own breath. they win? they win the war? the vorbarr sultana that byerly's been painting all this time -- does it really exist? she knows he can't be lying, he can only say what he believes is true, but sonia can't take him for a madman. she covers her mouth with both hands and start to cry, silently.

the ghem-colonel's face is hard now. this isn't a simple interrogation anymore. this is going to be a problem. this time, when he speaks, it's through his teeth. ]

By all means.

[ He laughs. The sound is affable, cheerful - and all the more chilling for that. Because immediately afterwards, he looks to the ghem in the room and tells them - ]

You're executed. And you're executed. You're all such blunderers that none of you are allowed to live.

[ Another laugh, cheerful as anything. ]

So tell me...any second thoughts about defecting? Oh, it's cold, yes, but it does mean life for all of you...

[ sonia wishes she had something to hold onto right now, anything. she feels like the room is tilting out from under her. please stop asking, she thinks fervently, frantically. please stop asking, i don't want to know.

the ghem-colonel snaps his teeth shut, nostrils flaring. coolly: ]

I think the rest of that line of questioning is better saved for another interrogation. The ghem-General will want to sit in on that one. What I would like to know right now is why the Countess was included in your mission. Don't you Barrayarans think less of your women?

[ If he were more in control of himself, Byerly would keep picking at it, boring at that little crack, driving after the ghem-Colonel's fear, fanning its flames. That's what he does best. Plants doubts, plants bad ideas, flatters and flirts. Turns people away from their usual purposes. Finds out where the seeds of doubt are and reports it back to his superiors. Under fast-penta...he just cheerily nods and moves along. ]

You know, it's sweet. I think the old man genuinely loves her. I think he respects her.

[ sonia's brow knits at that. of course he does. she may not be piotr's biggest fan, but olivia wouldn't pick anyone less than him. the ghem-colonel raises his eyebrows. ]

Enough to include her in top-secret missions over his general staff?

Ask her.

[ Byerly's bright eyes focus on Sonia's face. ]

She knows.

[ sonia shrinks back in her chair, unprepared to be the sudden focus of the interrogation. the ghem-colonel purses his lips and mutters: ]

I just might. [ sonia swallows. the ghem-colonel continues. ] I'm asking you, Vorrutyer. Why would he share that information with the Countess, and only the Countess?

[ He looks for just a moment stricken - no, no, don't, I'm sorry, I don't want them to notice you - before it smooths over into affable complacency again. ]

I really didn't ask. I cared more about other things.

[ sonia bites her lip at that look on his face, all of it genuine. he's terrible at being honest, yes, but the fast-penta is taking care of that for him. there's no room for doubt.

the ghem-colonel taps his fingers on the tabletop. ]

What other things?

[ A little ripple of his lips. ]

Telling Sonia. He wouldn't permit it.

[ sonia finds she can't look away now, her breathing painfully shallow. she has the sudden uneasy sense that they are close to something perhaps better left unknown. the ghem-colonel raises an eyebrow. ]

You wanted to tell her?

Of course.

[ Mildly, indifferently, he says: ]

She's very important to me. And betraying her like that has shattered everything we had. And it may have been completely pointless.

[ sonia's trying to keep the trickle of tears back, but this is -- it's so much. everything since seeing byerly here for the first time has just been so much. the ghem-colonel lets out a little hm. ]

What was the nature of your relationship with the Princess?

[ That draws a laugh out of him. ]

I don't know.

[ sonia looks about as perplexed by that as the ghem-colonel, except he looks annoyed. ]

What do you mean, you don't know? You've said yourself you're loyal to her.

I am.

[ He gives a little sigh. ]

I suppose she's everything, in her way.

[ sonia feels dizzy. it had been such an elaborate game with him, back at the camp, all fun but genuine enjoyment. this should be a relief, to hear it -- in a way it is -- but with every word she feels worse for what she did, what she's done, what point she's brought them to.

the ghem-colonel looks at byerly with distant curiosity. ]

Do you love her?

[ at that, sonia's head snaps toward him, the bottom dropping out of her stomach. she opens her mouth to interject, to jump out of her chair, but it's already too late. no. no, no, why would you ask him that? ]

[ And he laughs. The sound is somehow sort of - distant. Strange. And he answers quietly: ]

As I love my own native soil. As I love Barrayar. Yes.

[ sonia covers her mouth with both hands, finding it difficult now to keep her composure, to keep rising panic from throwing her into a dizzy fit entirely. why are they doing this? why are they making her sit through this?

the ghem-colonel doesn't look particularly fazed, just noting it. ]

What was the nature of your altercation when you first visited her?

[ He smiles and closes his eyes. ]

I needed her to hate me. I need her to hate me. If she hates me...Then you won't think she's my ally. If she hates me, then I'll...I'll be satisfied. I need it.

[ no, no, no... sonia shakes her head, a muffled squeak of a sob escaping into her hands despite her best efforts to stay silent. he'd almost succeeded. god, he'd come close. she wants to retch. the ghem-colonel ignores her. ]

For your sake or hers?

Hers. Mine. Both.

[ He laughs, shakes his head. There are tears, abruptly, standing in his eyes. ]

My talent is ruining everything I touch. Look, look, she's crying. I did that.

[ good god, it's starting to feel like a bad holodrama in here. sonia's crying, byerly's crying, and the ghem-colonel rubs his forehead where the seam of his face-paint reaches his hairline. aside from the matter of time travel -- something that must absolutely be saved for the ghem-general -- he's not sure this man has anything more to yield but useless sentiment. the princess, on the other hand...

the ghem-colonel looks back at her, pursing his lips. ]

Perhaps we should revisit the Princess's interrogation in light of this new information. I'm sure Vorrutyer can provide any context we might be missing.

[ panic flashes over sonia's face, and her shoulders shake. not again -- not with byerly in the room... ]

No, no.

[ That's said too mildly to sound like a real plea - but he hunches over, touching his forehead to the table. ]

Please.

[ sonia shakes her head frantically, but it's clear the matter's already been decided at the ghem-colonel's discretion. there's already a guard taking her by the arm, pulling her up out of the chair as they dose byerly with the antagonist. they take hold of him, too, in case he decides to put up a struggle -- and sonia, panicked as she is, barely struggles at all, can't manage more than a whimper of protest.

don't be afraid, byerly had said. but she is, and it's panic and fear and a desperate pleading in her eyes as she looks at byerly -- not for his help, but for him to leave. they sit her down in the chair, and she's shaking, but at least this time, they don't have to test her for an allergy. they just hold her tensed arm out and dose her with the second ampule, and sonia squeezes her eyes shut and tries not to let the feeling flood over her, but she can't stop it.

after a few seconds she slackens in the chair, her face softening -- more disoriented than euphoric at first. ]

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(metric's "gimme sympathy" plays muffled in the background)

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the one-way ticket to the pain train is now a round trip

Dear god help us

we're going to hell