sunchime | ☆ the vorkosigan saga psl post, volume 3

[ His eyes drop further. ]

I wish I knew.

[ sonia's gaze drops too, her face softening. she steps in close again, reaches for his hand. her voice is thick, a little choked, but not forced. ]

There isn't anything, Byerly. There isn't anything anyone could have done. [ not a comforting thing to hear, she knows. especially after he's seen her angry and upset and beside herself over it. but it is, at least, the truth. ] Hating you wouldn't have made it any easier. There was nothing you failed to do.

[ His lips tighten. Haltingly - ]

I've wondered - if I'd slept with you - if you'd have thought I was a scoundrel and nothing more...

[ watching byerly struggle like this is always so disconcerting, but she knows it means he's trying, very hard, to be honest with her. she doesn't quite answer him, but she reaches for his hand, lightly touching her fingers to his. ]

Is that why you said no?

[ He's quiet a moment. Then: ]

No. Not - exactly.

[ sonia hovers slightly, throat working. ]

Because you care about me, then?

[ His head jerks to the side. An affirmation, perhaps. ]

[ he's trying hard to be honest, but he's also trying not to answer, not completely. sonia lowers her voice, going gentle. ]

Byerly.

[ look at me. at least look at me so i can see it in your face. ]

[ His eyes slide over to hers. His face is - vulnerable. As vulnerable as it gets. Desperate. Confirmation enough. ]

Oh, Byerly.

[ his name comes out as a sigh, but not a frustrated one. a little mournful, perhaps, but mostly...soft. she reaches up to cup his face in her hands, her eyes serious but achingly sincere. ]

It wouldn't have helped. Making me angrier with you wouldn't have helped. If that would have been your only reason... [ she sighs, because she wishes it wasn't, but that's selfishness on her part. ] Then I'm glad you didn't.

[ He leans slightly into her hand. Miserably: ]

I wanted to tell you. I argued - hard.

[ she rubs her thumb over the rise of his cheek, her gaze soft, just holding him there, as though she's worried he may fall. she knows he wanted to tell her from the interrogation, but just how badly, she wasn't aware. ]

Trying to win an argument with Count Piotr is a bit like trying to bash your head through a brick wall. [ she knows. her voice is sympathetic, even slightly light. ] I'm sorry that you couldn't.

[ for his peace of mind, if nothing else, although...although sonia doesn't think she'd have been able to protect byerly any better if she had known. ]

I'm sorry.

[ He shakes his head. ]

I'm - terribly sorry. And I'm sorry that I wasn't able to help you here.

[ sonia holds his face gently even as he shakes his head, staying close, and then it's her turn to shake her head. ]

It's alright.

[ nothing is alright right now, not really. sonia still feels horribly shaken and sick, the memory of that awful rage byerly had goaded her into still hovering on the edge of her mind, and she's clinging hard to this, to byerly being as honest as he knows how and then some, because it's the only thing to hold onto. she feels like she might fall apart otherwise. ]

It's alright. It's -- we'll get through this together.

Yes.

[ His fingers curl around hers. And he says, with painful honesty, for the third time: ]

I am yours, Sonia.

[ that honesty scares her -- the sheer gravity of it dropping into her stomach makes her head spin, but it's an honesty she won't refuse. even as that shaken look passes over her face, it's just as soon replaced by one quietly determined despite the sheer, overwhelming terror of this all. despite all the attempts, she's never been captured before, and all of this with byerly -- it's all so much. but she doesn't look away, and she turns her hand away from his face to grip his tightly. ]

Well, good. Because I want you. [ that, too, is painfully honest, and even for sonia, always so sincere, it makes her chest hurt just to say. her throat tightens and she attempts a slight smile, but it comes out watery, and her voice breaks slightly. ] I just wanted you back.

[ He flinches at that tremble in her voice. His voice is rough in return. ]

I don't...deserve that - desire. But I am honored by it.

I don't understand why.

[ her voice comes out soft. it's not an argument, she just...wishes byerly would try and see himself the way she does, sometimes. she squeezes his hand tightly in some vague reassurance, still feeling badly shaken inside, but she's keeping it together for now. ]

Was there anything else? That you lied about, I mean?

[ she wants to hear it all now. but if what he's said was all he had to hide...there's little she can fault him for. ]

[ His lips tighten ironically. ]

I don't know.

[ He lies so much. Might as well ask him how many breaths he's taken. ]

[ ah. small things, then, if he can't remember them all, but small things make up the big things. sonia's expression flickers slightly. ]

But you'd tell me the truth if I asked you now?

I would -

[ His eyes flicker to the side. ]

I would - do my best.

[ sonia knows she can't ask anything more of byerly, not when this is already so difficult for him. she's quiet for a moment, still holding onto his hand. her other hand drops away from his face. ]

What would you have done if I'd forsworn Barrayar after all? Bought into that fantasy of escape?

[ This one's easy. ]

It would have depended on whether we'd have been able to get away or not. Ideally, I'd have taken you to Vorbarr Sultana under the pretense of getting a shuttle off-planet, and then I'd have rendezvoused with the Barrayaran forces. In a best-case scenario, I'd have gotten you to Beta. If we hadn't been able to escape, then I'd have...continued to encourage the impression that you were no longer committed to Barrayar, to win you more privileges and freer movement.

[ she's taken aback at that one, blinking and open-mouthed. ]

That -- that part was true?

[ He's just a little uncertain, frowning a touch, confused by her confusion. ]

The Cetagandans wanted me to undermine your loyalty. That was what I was aiming for, yes.

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