sunchime | ☆ the vorkosigan saga psl post, volume 3

You didn't hear. I didn't say it loud enough.

[ His throat is tight. His head aches, pounding; his stomach churns. He just wants to weep. But this is his job. This is your job. You can't. You have much, much more to do. ]

Please don't blame yourself, Sonia. I beg you not to blame yourself.

[ something in his voice makes her stop, even if she's still thinking it. she wants to get up off her bed and run across this stupidly small room to him, to put her hands on him without violent intent, because there's a phantom sting on her palms she can't shake. but she feels so utterly frozen. all she has is her voice, still hesitant, still punctuated with hitched breaths. ]

Did you think it would have been easier if I had hated you?

[ He's quiet a moment. And then he gives a non-answer - true, but not truly an answer. ]

It would have helped my cover.

[ sonia finally drops her gaze, an uncomfortable flutter in her chest. right. the cover she has now completely blown. ]

Yes, I -- suppose it would have.

[ His jaw clenches. He fights down nausea. ]

I should not have put you in a position where my cover depended on you. I've made - many mistakes.

[ sonia bites her lip, fingernails digging into the pillow. how many mistakes, byerly? which were the mistakes? ]

It isn't your fault I was captured.

Perhaps not. But I shouldn't have come to see you. I should have been working on how to get you out. The entire time. I shouldn't even have tried to maintain my cover. I should have gone for you right away.

[ a confused response dies in her throat before she can get out another one. ]

I thought they'd sent you. [ her brow furrows and she holds the pillow tighter against her stomach as it clenches uncomfortably. ] Gone for me right away? And do what? Try and smuggle me out all on your own?

Yes.

[ He swallows hard. ]

If I could have - no matter the cost...

[ something about that answer scares her, but maybe not in the way it should. her stomach flutters uncomfortably. there's an audible creak as she gets off her cot, but she only manages one faltering step. ]

It wouldn't have been worth it. [ her voice is soft, still a little shaky, but it is heartfelt, a small absolution. ] Even if you -- ...I wouldn't get far on my own. It would be for nothing.

[ He doesn't move. He remains on his cot, his back to her. ]

You'd have been fine.

[ sonia shakes her head, even though he can't see. she rocks back and forth, shifting her weight from foot to foot. ]

I'm not a soldier. I couldn't outrun them, or fight back, or -- I don't think I could even find my way back to the camp alone, even if I did get that far.

You'd have found some Barrayarans. They'd have laid down their lives to save you, Princess.

[ for some reason that retreat back to her title feels like a small blow. sonia's throat tightens, and she clutches at her pillow before she finally throws it back down onto the cot in anguished frustration. ]

I'm tired of people laying down their lives for me! I'm tired of someone else always paying the price! If I tried to escape with you, Byerly, I'm not leaving you behind!

[ He presses his eyes closed, still not looking around at her. The Cetagandans know this already. There is no point to concealing this anymore. ]

I'm ImpSec, Sonia, and I have been all along. I'm not some conscriptee. I'm not even a common soldier. My sole task is to save and preserve the Imperium and the Vorbarra family no matter what.

[ sonia nearly staggers at that -- it comes so far out left field, so far beyond what she was expecting, that it stuns her stupid for a moment. ]

You're -- what?

[ He takes a breath. All he wants to do is stay curled up in a ball, face pressed to the wall. But instead, he shoves himself up, grits his jaw, and turns, finally, to face her. His face is haggard - he looks worse, even, than during those dark days of starvation and misery. ]

Imperial Security. Domestic Affairs. Not an agent by training, but that doesn't change my obligations to you.

[ sonia's gaze flutters, and so does her stomach. the immediate implications overwhelm her for a moment. my obligations to you. she hadn't ever wanted to be an obligation to him. and now...now it's even harder to see where the truth lies.

but there had been nothing in that interrogation but truth, cold as it was. sonia sucks in a shaky breath, looking at him like it's the first time she's seen him all over again, but there is no disappointment on her face, just a deep, quiet gratefulness she doesn't even know how to recognize yet. she clasps her hands together for lack of anything else to hold onto, takes another small step toward him. it takes her a moment to get the question out. ]

Is -- is that what you meant when you said I was...everything?

[ His gaze drops. He can't meet her gaze. His throat tightens again - and guilt rises up in him. If he hadn't been so...sentimental. If he hadn't had this need, this personal desire for - For her. Then it wouldn't have come to this head... ]

That is - part of it. You are my duty. Yes.

[ sonia's face feels hot, and she feels like they're coming close to something better left unknown -- something she shouldn't keep peeling away at -- but it's a bad habit of hers. she can't stop herself. and -- and she needs to know. she doesn't want to be his duty. god, she thought she'd finally been free of that with just one person. she swallows and watches him, teetering on the verge of another step. the cell isn't all that large. ]

And the rest?

[ And the curse is that he knows her. He knows that. He knows that to leave it at that would be too cruel. And he...becomes accursedly sentimental and soft with her. He can't help himself. He just can't... ]

I - care for you. Personally. That is the rest.

[ It comes out roughly. She's right. He's no good at being honest. Anything genuine comes out of his mouth bitterly, with difficulty. How is it so much easier to lie than it is to tell the truth? Lies come out with such smooth, careless confidence...But this is choked. Pathetic. ]

[ sonia's breath all leaves her in a rush, but it's a relieved breathlessness, leaving her slightly dizzy. tears prick at the corner of her eyes, but she doesn't dare blink or tear her gaze away from him, her foot landing softly on the floor as she takes another step closer. ]

Really? [ it's a plea for confirmation. please, please, tell me it wasn't all a lie. please tell me something in there was true. ] Then -- everything we -- our friendship, it was real?

[ He shuts his eyes a moment, too ashamed to look her in the eye. What's the point to hiding it? The Cetagandans already know. He's wept in front of them, over her. He's said it. She's everything. She's his weakness. A threat to her, and he'll bake at once. Because of his weakness for her, he is now...their creature. They hold his heart in a box. ]

As - real as I am capable of, Sonia.

[ she doesn't see his shame, or she doesn't care -- it doesn't matter -- relief comes down on her so strong she nearly wants to heave, she nearly buckles under it. everything is so wrong right now, and there are lies buried in truth buried in more lies that she hasn't begun to untangle yet, and she still hates herself, now more than ever, for hitting him like that -- but this, this is one thing, at least, is right. this is a comfort she can have.

she can hardly help herself. she lets out a choked noise and closes the distance between them in a single long stride, throwing her arms around him and pressing her face into his shoulder. she's shaking all over. her voice only comes out in a breathy whisper. ]

That's real enough for me.

[ His arms come up to embrace her - spasmodically, miserably, desperately. His embrace is tight, squeezing her with almost painful strength and need. ]

It's - not a good thing.

[ His voice comes out miserably, a grinding hoarse mumble. ]

I've ruined everything.

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