sunchime | ☆ the vorkosigan saga psl post, volume 3

[ A little ripple of his lips. ]

Telling Sonia. He wouldn't permit it.

[ sonia finds she can't look away now, her breathing painfully shallow. she has the sudden uneasy sense that they are close to something perhaps better left unknown. the ghem-colonel raises an eyebrow. ]

You wanted to tell her?

Of course.

[ Mildly, indifferently, he says: ]

She's very important to me. And betraying her like that has shattered everything we had. And it may have been completely pointless.

[ sonia's trying to keep the trickle of tears back, but this is -- it's so much. everything since seeing byerly here for the first time has just been so much. the ghem-colonel lets out a little hm. ]

What was the nature of your relationship with the Princess?

[ That draws a laugh out of him. ]

I don't know.

[ sonia looks about as perplexed by that as the ghem-colonel, except he looks annoyed. ]

What do you mean, you don't know? You've said yourself you're loyal to her.

I am.

[ He gives a little sigh. ]

I suppose she's everything, in her way.

[ sonia feels dizzy. it had been such an elaborate game with him, back at the camp, all fun but genuine enjoyment. this should be a relief, to hear it -- in a way it is -- but with every word she feels worse for what she did, what she's done, what point she's brought them to.

the ghem-colonel looks at byerly with distant curiosity. ]

Do you love her?

[ at that, sonia's head snaps toward him, the bottom dropping out of her stomach. she opens her mouth to interject, to jump out of her chair, but it's already too late. no. no, no, why would you ask him that? ]

[ And he laughs. The sound is somehow sort of - distant. Strange. And he answers quietly: ]

As I love my own native soil. As I love Barrayar. Yes.

[ sonia covers her mouth with both hands, finding it difficult now to keep her composure, to keep rising panic from throwing her into a dizzy fit entirely. why are they doing this? why are they making her sit through this?

the ghem-colonel doesn't look particularly fazed, just noting it. ]

What was the nature of your altercation when you first visited her?

[ He smiles and closes his eyes. ]

I needed her to hate me. I need her to hate me. If she hates me...Then you won't think she's my ally. If she hates me, then I'll...I'll be satisfied. I need it.

[ no, no, no... sonia shakes her head, a muffled squeak of a sob escaping into her hands despite her best efforts to stay silent. he'd almost succeeded. god, he'd come close. she wants to retch. the ghem-colonel ignores her. ]

For your sake or hers?

Hers. Mine. Both.

[ He laughs, shakes his head. There are tears, abruptly, standing in his eyes. ]

My talent is ruining everything I touch. Look, look, she's crying. I did that.

[ good god, it's starting to feel like a bad holodrama in here. sonia's crying, byerly's crying, and the ghem-colonel rubs his forehead where the seam of his face-paint reaches his hairline. aside from the matter of time travel -- something that must absolutely be saved for the ghem-general -- he's not sure this man has anything more to yield but useless sentiment. the princess, on the other hand...

the ghem-colonel looks back at her, pursing his lips. ]

Perhaps we should revisit the Princess's interrogation in light of this new information. I'm sure Vorrutyer can provide any context we might be missing.

[ panic flashes over sonia's face, and her shoulders shake. not again -- not with byerly in the room... ]

No, no.

[ That's said too mildly to sound like a real plea - but he hunches over, touching his forehead to the table. ]

Please.

[ sonia shakes her head frantically, but it's clear the matter's already been decided at the ghem-colonel's discretion. there's already a guard taking her by the arm, pulling her up out of the chair as they dose byerly with the antagonist. they take hold of him, too, in case he decides to put up a struggle -- and sonia, panicked as she is, barely struggles at all, can't manage more than a whimper of protest.

don't be afraid, byerly had said. but she is, and it's panic and fear and a desperate pleading in her eyes as she looks at byerly -- not for his help, but for him to leave. they sit her down in the chair, and she's shaking, but at least this time, they don't have to test her for an allergy. they just hold her tensed arm out and dose her with the second ampule, and sonia squeezes her eyes shut and tries not to let the feeling flood over her, but she can't stop it.

after a few seconds she slackens in the chair, her face softening -- more disoriented than euphoric at first. ]

Stop it. Stop.

[ Nearly as soon as he comes up from the fast-penta haze, he's fighting, pushing against them. He looks rattled, undone, hair falling over his forehead. His breath comes fast. He tries to stand up, but he's pushed down into his chair. ]

Stop, dammit -

[ But the ghem just ignores him. Instead, he returns to the prior line of questioning. First: ]

What is your name?

[ sonia's glazed look turns up at the ghem-colonel, as if she's just realizing he's there for the first time. the guard keeps a hand on her shoulder in case she tries to get up from the chair, but all she does is rub vaguely at the tear tracks on her face and sniffle even as that stupid fast-penta smile touches her chest. she sounds perfectly happy and proud to introduce herself. ]

Princess Sonia Titania Vorbarra. [ and then she adds, dazed but a little smug: ] My sister's a Countess now, so technically I'm the only princess now.

[ Byerly tries to get up from his chair again, is again forced down. His glare up at the lieutenant holding him there is venomous. Absolutely hateful.

The ghem-Colonel goes on: ]

And what is the date?

[ sonia cheerfully tells the ghem-colonel not only the date, but also the time according to the chrono on the wall behind him. she's happy to be helpful. she chatters on, unsurprisingly, already talkative enough without the fast-penta. ]

It's my birthday next week. We don't really exchange presents anymore, it's not like we have anything to exchange, but I'm pretty sure my sister is planning something. I saw her talking to Carolina and Beth a few times...oh, I hope I don't miss it. It'd be a shame to miss my own birthday party, wouldn't it?

[ she lets out a dazed giggle, as though this is an especially funny joke. ]

[ The ghem-Colonel, predictably, rolls his eyes. Byerly wipes the damp from his face and just waits, tensely.

The efficacy of the drug having been established, the man goes on: ]

Tell me about your relationship with Byerly Vorrutyer.

[ sonia's face does flicker slightly, but it's buried under the fast-penta. she hums in thought. ]

Complicated, mostly. Especially since he left... Oh, but we're friends. He was one of the first friends I made when the outsiders showed up. [ she beams at him, a horrible parody of her usual sunny smile. ] He told me I was pretty.

[ The ghem-Colonel looks unimpressed with her prettiness or her smile. ]

And tell me about what happened when he left.

[ sonia pouts at him, and it looks especially childish on her under the drug. ]

But I didn't even get to the good parts yet.

[ but she isn't uncooperative, and she slackens in the chair with a sigh, looking up at the ceiling. ]

I was so worried. He'd just up and disappeared and not even Miles knew -- but that was a lie, wasn't it?

[ she frowns for a second, but it flickers away. ]

I was so afraid he got drunk and wandered off and got lost... I looked for him everywhere I could. It was so cold, and everyone was sick... [ a bit of emotion overwhelms her, amplified by the fast-penta, and she chokes up, a note of urgency in her voice. ] I was so afraid he'd died out there. I had to find him.

And how did you feel when you learned that he was still alive?

[ Byerly clenches his jaw and snarls at the Colonel - ]

What the hell is the point of this? Sadism? I can't imagine any reason for you to care.

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(metric's "gimme sympathy" plays muffled in the background)

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the one-way ticket to the pain train is now a round trip

Dear god help us

we're going to hell

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