☆ the vorkosigan saga psl post, volume 3

[runawayballista]

welcome to hell

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[vorrutyer]

Yes.

[ He swallows and looks down. ]

I suspect...They knew I would betray myself before you. Or they hoped I would betray myself.

[vorbratta]

[ so this wasn't your fault, either. sonia bites down on the inside of her cheek, realizing she's clutching tightly at byerly's arm. she forces herself to relax her grip. ]

What...were you expecting?

[ he'd been worried she might have been hurt. what was he hoping not to find? ]

[vorrutyer]

[ He shakes his head. ]

I can't say.

[ He can say. He just doesn't want to. ]

[vorbratta]

[ well, today isn't a day of byerly getting what he wants. sonia doesn't say anything, just looking at him. ]

[vorrutyer]

[ But he's more resistant than that. ]

Is there some use to knowing?

[vorbratta]

[ she hesitates at that. it's not an unfair question. is there some use to knowing? would hearing the answer change anything, change what comes to them now? she doesn't look away, just blinks at him, and her voice is quiet. ]

I told you I wanted the truth.

[vorrutyer]

To this, there is no truth.

[ He spreads his hands. ]

Just my dire imaginings.

[vorbratta]

[ dire imaginings. what was he so afraid of that he won't even say it to her now? that in itself is discomfiting. sonia closes a hand over one of his. ]

Byerly...

[vorrutyer]

Let it be, Sonia. Please.

[vorbratta]

[ that twists her up inside, and she can't even place why. she drops her gaze to their hands and swallows, some of the air going out of her. her shoulders slacken slightly. her voice is hushed, little more than an inward breath. ]

They're not always so civil with their prisoners.

[ she'd so much as told him that first time he'd come to see her. that leaves a bitter taste in her mouth. ]

[vorrutyer]

[ His lips twist in an agonized grimace. ]

I know.

[vorbratta]

[ she leans against him, pressing her forehead to his arm and closing her eyes. she exhales slowly. ]

Nobody has laid a hand on me. I'm alright, Byerly.

[vorrutyer]

[ He closes his eyes. Her closeness is scarcely even a comfort. ]

I...wonder if that will...I worry, going forward.

[vorbratta]

[ sonia's voice is small. she keeps her eyes closed. ]

You think it might still happen.

[vorrutyer]

I think...they now know the handle they have on my loyalty.

[vorbratta]

...Leverage, you mean.

[vorrutyer]

Yes. I will do...anything if it means your welfare, Sonia.

[vorbratta]

[ she clutches his arm tighter. she feels a little sick. ]

Don't -- [ do anything stupid. no, it's nothing stupid. her voice grows firm. ] I won't let it happen.

[vorrutyer]

[ He looks at her, meets her eyes. He looks exhausted. He looks...a little frightened. ]

Won't let...what happen?

[vorbratta]

[ that frightened look in byerly's eyes chills her a little. it fills her with dread in return. she tightens her grip on him. ]

Anything that -- anything they might use as leverage against you. I won't just -- let them use you like that.

[ the cetagandans want her alive, she knows. she has a bigger bargaining chip than her dignity or welfare. ]

[vorrutyer]

We have to be realistic.

[ He swallows, looking down at his hands. ]

It may not be so simple, that we can just...say no. I won't let it happen.

[vorbratta]

I know that.

[ that's the whole point of it. she knows that. she looks down at his hands, too, her throat tight. ]

But I'm not going to just -- accept that. I won't. [ her voice drops. ] Their imaginations are cruel. If I lay down and accept one fate, they'll come up with something more...creative.

[vorrutyer]

They're not...sadists, though.

[ He rubs at his face. ]

There's a purpose behind their actions. And so if there's no purpose to hurting you, they won't.

[vorbratta]

[ sonia bites her lips together. ]

They've done plenty of cruelty to other Barrayaran women without purpose. [ she shakes her head. ] I don't know. Maybe you're right. But that doesn't mean I'll stand idly by.

[vorrutyer]

[ ...True. But her rank will...surely protect her. Right?

He rubs at his face again. ]

Do you have a plan?