sunchime | ☆ the vorkosigan saga psl post, volume 3

[ His eyes flick up now to meet hers. There's something miserable and stricken in his gaze, even as he smiles. ]

Honor? No, no, no honor. Not from me.

[ The smile fades, then, leaving only that miserable expression. ]

But my loyalty is absolute. I belong to you, Sonia. Body and soul. For whatever that is worth.

[ that look hurts. sonia swallows, her expression sobering. ]

Loyalty is a kind of honor in itself.

[ the words are quiet, full of conviction. she knows he'll argue, so she moves on. she tries to catch his gaze but can't seem to. ]

And what about our friendship? Are we still friends?

[ He closes his eyes. ]

That...depends on you. You have been only truthful with me. But I have lied to you.

[ sonia swallows, bracing herself. this confusing web of lies has made her uncertain, unsteady, but if she can't trust him to be honest now, then nothing short of fast-penta would convince her. she knows that. her gaze is unwavering, an intensity sprouting from within that she'd sooner associate with her sister than herself. ]

About what? Tell me.

About my identity. Who I am. What I was doing.

[ after a moment, sonia nods. ]

Right, you're...ImpSec. And you came from the future, like Miles. [ something she should have been clever enough to put together for herself. she silently berates herself for it, but moves on. ] What else?

Yes. And - my mission.

[ sonia's eyes urge him on, willing him to look back at her. ]

What is your mission, then?

[ He doesn't look at her. He can't. ]

To spy on Cetaganda. To appear a traitor to Barrayar so that they would accept me as one of theirs. To find other saboteurs amongst their number.

Well, I know that now.

[ it doesn't quite come through her teeth, but she's not upset, not really. not any more than she has been this whole conversation. she'd sat through that entire fast-penta interrogation. ]

You were under orders to lie to me about it.

And I obeyed. Lied to you directly. Did nothing to ensure that it was...less cruel.

You were following orders.

[ after ten years of war, she understands that. it doesn't mean it never hurts, but she understands that much. painful as it had been, she...can't find it in herself to fault him for that. she shakes her head, pushing her hair from her face. ]

What could you possibly have done to soften that blow?

[ His eyes drop further. ]

I wish I knew.

[ sonia's gaze drops too, her face softening. she steps in close again, reaches for his hand. her voice is thick, a little choked, but not forced. ]

There isn't anything, Byerly. There isn't anything anyone could have done. [ not a comforting thing to hear, she knows. especially after he's seen her angry and upset and beside herself over it. but it is, at least, the truth. ] Hating you wouldn't have made it any easier. There was nothing you failed to do.

[ His lips tighten. Haltingly - ]

I've wondered - if I'd slept with you - if you'd have thought I was a scoundrel and nothing more...

[ watching byerly struggle like this is always so disconcerting, but she knows it means he's trying, very hard, to be honest with her. she doesn't quite answer him, but she reaches for his hand, lightly touching her fingers to his. ]

Is that why you said no?

[ He's quiet a moment. Then: ]

No. Not - exactly.

[ sonia hovers slightly, throat working. ]

Because you care about me, then?

[ His head jerks to the side. An affirmation, perhaps. ]

[ he's trying hard to be honest, but he's also trying not to answer, not completely. sonia lowers her voice, going gentle. ]

Byerly.

[ look at me. at least look at me so i can see it in your face. ]

[ His eyes slide over to hers. His face is - vulnerable. As vulnerable as it gets. Desperate. Confirmation enough. ]

Oh, Byerly.

[ his name comes out as a sigh, but not a frustrated one. a little mournful, perhaps, but mostly...soft. she reaches up to cup his face in her hands, her eyes serious but achingly sincere. ]

It wouldn't have helped. Making me angrier with you wouldn't have helped. If that would have been your only reason... [ she sighs, because she wishes it wasn't, but that's selfishness on her part. ] Then I'm glad you didn't.

[ He leans slightly into her hand. Miserably: ]

I wanted to tell you. I argued - hard.

[ she rubs her thumb over the rise of his cheek, her gaze soft, just holding him there, as though she's worried he may fall. she knows he wanted to tell her from the interrogation, but just how badly, she wasn't aware. ]

Trying to win an argument with Count Piotr is a bit like trying to bash your head through a brick wall. [ she knows. her voice is sympathetic, even slightly light. ] I'm sorry that you couldn't.

[ for his peace of mind, if nothing else, although...although sonia doesn't think she'd have been able to protect byerly any better if she had known. ]

I'm sorry.

[ He shakes his head. ]

I'm - terribly sorry. And I'm sorry that I wasn't able to help you here.

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