sunchime | ☆ the vorkosigan saga psl post, volume 3

[ He presses: ]

But would you choose Barrayar.

[ she finds herself getting flustered, because in ten years, she still hasn't decided what to do after the war is over. stay or go back to beta colony? or keep trying to live between them both? sonia uses every evasion she can, holding onto her pillow like it could somehow protect her. ]

Why do you care?

[ He lowers his eyelids at her, saying lowly: ]

You think I don't want you with me?

[ an unwanted shiver passes through her at that, and it shows on her face for just a fleeting moment. those looks, that voice, they had excited her not all that long ago. teased and tantalized, made her want. but it was purely for play, wasn't it? she's still staring at him, jaw tense, everything tense, but something about it has shifted. she feels like she's starting to lose her footing. she tries for a glare, biting the inside of her cheek. ]

You think I'd go anywhere with you?

[ Murmured: ]

Why not?

Don't think of Barrayar. Don't think of Cetaganda. Just think of yourself. What life do you want?

[ she has. plenty of times. she's had plenty of time to think about it, about how much she hates this war, how much she wishes vorbarr sultana could be a real place again, how much she wishes she could go back to beta colony and finish her schooling, how much she wishes for a normal life in every area. her voice shakes a little. ]

It's not about what I want. [ anything for barrayar, right? but then, a little more fiercely: ] And you haven't come anywhere near me since you entered this room.

[ That - wasn't the response he expected. It unnerves him a moment before he figures out some response...some plausible-sounding response. ]

Does that offend you, Sonia? I thought you didn't want me near you. I was just being kind.

[ sonia lets out a painful hiss at that -- not physical pain, although it might as well be. i was just being kind. she feels like retching. she doesn't want to give him an opening to hurt her more, so she latches onto what she thinks must be the safest thing. ]

And you expect me to believe you want me to go anywhere with you?

[ Ah. ]

Worried about my feelings? How sweet. I just don't want to get slapped again.

I told you I'm not going to hit you again.

[ but her stomach churns unpleasantly, and she has to swallow hard again. in a moment of weakness, one hand unclutches the pillow to rub at her mouth, her gaze dropping. ]

I can't leave Barrayar.

Why not? You've told me yourself. You feel useless here.

[ her gaze snaps back up, angry and red-eyed. ]

You made me feel otherwise.

[ you made me believe otherwise is what she should have said as soon as the words slip out of her mouth. she doesn't know if this is any better or worse than when she was hitting him. ]

[ It's a struggle to keep from flinching. He...manages. Somehow. ]

Temporarily, no doubt. Do you feel that way now?

[ bitterly: ]

I'm useless here.

So why not run away? Anywhere. With me. Where do you want to go?

[ she shouldn't be letting him goad her like this. it shouldn't be happening. she should be better than this, stronger than this. like her sister. like her sister who isn't anything like sonia. finally, she just bursts out: ]

I don't know!

Well, think about it.

[ His voice is low. Persuasive. ]

And then let me take you there.

[ she finds it suddenly hard to swallow, her face hot. no. no. she should be immune to this by now, inoculated against it by his cruelty. she shouldn't react. she doesn't want to react. but she does despite herself, a little flicker of desperation on her face. she tries to pull herself together, scramble for her last line of defense. ]

You didn't want me then, and I don't think you really want me now, either. [ and then, for good measure, because she desperately needs it: ] Hard to believe from a man who can't even bring himself to stand within two meters of me.

[ A...cogent observation. His lips thin for just a moment - and then, casually, indifferently, he shrugs. ]

Why would I be coming to see you if I didn't want to be with you? That doesn't make sense. You have to understand how much fondness I have for you, Sonia. You're a very beautiful woman, after all.

[ color rises to her cheeks, and she hates herself for it, can't quite stop herself from covering her mouth with one hand. she stares at him, feeling dizzy again because she knows he's running her around in circles, keeping her off-balance. that's what it feels like, anyway. she tries to swallow, tries to make herself sound dignified. like her sister would. like her sister always would. but sonia isn't her sister. ]

I didn't know you treated beautiful women like lepers, Byerly.

[ A bubble of frustration builds in him, rising up alongside his misery. ]

And how are you a leper? We've touched many times, haven't we?

[ she does flinch at that, just slightly, and she feels herself getting upset again. because byerly had sold her a fantasy once, and he's trying to sell her another one now, but she keeps telling herself it's snake oil. has to be. she looks at him -- no fear in her eyes, just hurt and desperation she tries fruitlessly to conceal.

flatly: ]

Not since you walked into this room.

[ He meets her eyes for only a moment before looking away. ]

Well. Your revulsion at the thought of me touching you rather reduced my interest in touching you. Marvelous how that works.

Revulsion?

[ she doesn't mean to repeat the word out loud, and it's for the best that byerly looks away, because he doesn't see the flicker of surprise on her face. angry, yes, she'd been furious and hurting and god, got more carried away than she's ever been in her life, but she didn't think he'd interpreted that as revulsion. she'd hit him, over and over again, because she was angry and hurt and byerly had goaded her into it. but it wasn't revulsion. it should have been. she wishes it was. given more time before seeing him again, maybe that spark she'd so fervently chased would have faded thoroughly.

her grip loosens on her pillow. she pushes it aside. she doesn't quite stand, not yet. ]

You think I hit you out of revulsion?

[ He glances down at her, momentarily uncertain and uncomfortable, before shrugging again. ]

Aren't you revolted?

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