☆ the vorkosigan saga psl post, volume 3

[runawayballista]

welcome to hell

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[vorrutyer]

[ Just with the slightest hint of tension: ]

I'm not hitting you.

[vorbratta]

Not you, no. But the guards?

[ she's just being mean now, because she can, because she's tired and hurt beyond all measure, in a way she doesn't even how qualify. that flat look wavers, weakens as she huddles on the cot, blanket around her shoulders. ]

So how do you think you'll make me talk, then?

[vorrutyer]

[ He takes a breath in, tries to recover his confidence. ]

Well. I think you want to talk to me.

[vorbratta]

[ sonia's brows draw town. she tilts her head to the side. ]

Why would I want to talk to you, Byerly?

[ she makes his name sound -- not like a curse, but something altogether unpleasant. ]

[vorrutyer]

Because I know you like to talk.

[vorbratta]

[ she looks hurt, but there's resentment in there too, just as fierce. fuck off, byerly is on the tip of her tongue, but she swallows it back. ]

That doesn't mean I want to talk to you.

[vorrutyer]

Who else?

[ His smile is careless and arrogant. ]

Have you had anyone else to talk to? Aside from me, you're all alone here, Sonia.

[vorbratta]

[ that does sting, and it shows, and she curls around the pillow like it somehow might save her, protect her from this cruelty. ]

No. I'm just alone.

[ and lonely. desperately lonely. it's like the camp before the outsiders showed up all over again, except without her sister or count piotr or armsman gavalas or any of them, the people who kept her safe, the people who made her feel safe. dammit, no, she doesn't want to cry again. ]

[vorrutyer]

[ He pitches his voice low. ]

You don't have to be.

[vorbratta]

[ that grabs at her in a way she doesn't want to, really, really doesn't want to, but she absently clutches her pillow and looks at him. she almost manages to contain that slight falter, but not quite. ]

You make me feel more alone than an empty room. [ she stares at him. her chest feels uncomfortably tight. ] What do you think could possibly change that?

[vorrutyer]

[ That feels like a blow to the face. Which means: he likes it. ]

Why an empty room? I'm the same man you were friends with before.

[vorbratta]

It's all the company I have.

[ she keeps her voice short, or at least tries, but she falters then, because her chest only gets tighter thinking about that. about before. her breath hitches. ]

I know. [ is that a blow? even sonia isn't sure. ] But I was foolish before. Stupid. I just wasn't looking at you in the right light.

[ some of that had been willful ignorance. a refusal to believe that byerly really was the awful, undeserving man he claimed. but he just needed a little lifting up, that was all, sonia had thought. and now she's never felt so low. ]

[vorrutyer]

[ Indifferently, loftily, he reminds her: ]

I told you who I was.

[vorbratta]

I know.

[ she says it again, but she has to grind out the words, half-choking on them. she swallows, hard. ]

I was stupid. I made mistakes. A pointless waste of energy.

[vorrutyer]

Well. All you can do now is move forward.

[vorbratta]

[ and then, for the first time, a little bit of scornful sarcasm sneaks into her voice. the look she gives him is almost haughty, if she didn't look so tired. ]

With you?

[vorrutyer]

Yes. With me. That wasn't such a terrible thought before.

[vorbratta]

Before you decided just Barrayar wasn't good enough for you.

[ she looks at him warily. now she's the one that feels like prey. she doesn't want to hate byerly. she doesn't want him dead. she just...wants it all undone.

but that's impossible. she keeps the scorn in her voice as much as she can, because it's her only defense right now. ]

And how? You want me to join you in your betrayal? I'd sooner die.

[vorrutyer]

Why?

[ His voice grows softer. Just a little more sentimental. ]

What has Barrayar ever done for you?

[vorbratta]

[ she swallows, can't unclench her teeth enough not to grind out the words. ]

It's my home.

[vorrutyer]

It's your place of residence. Tell me: if you could have chosen all the planets in all the Nexus, would you have chosen this one?

[vorbratta]

[ sonia's stomach goes cold. she doesn't want to answer the equation, so she evades. ]

I sure as hell wouldn't choose Cetaganda.

[vorrutyer]

[ He presses: ]

But would you choose Barrayar.

[vorbratta]

[ she finds herself getting flustered, because in ten years, she still hasn't decided what to do after the war is over. stay or go back to beta colony? or keep trying to live between them both? sonia uses every evasion she can, holding onto her pillow like it could somehow protect her. ]

Why do you care?

[vorrutyer]

[ He lowers his eyelids at her, saying lowly: ]

You think I don't want you with me?