☆ texts from last night

[runawayballista]

u know the drill

Comments

agent york (au) / rvb

[neverknocks]

i. is it a bad sign that i now think of my run-ins with cops as "skill building seminars"?

ii. let's just pour the lemonade mix into the soco. cut out the middle man.

iii. no, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.

iv. it's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry"

v. i can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober

vi. someone needs to get her out of the garbage can she's never gonna forgive us for this

vii. at least i cut out the pieces of your hair where i braided gum into it last night. thank me later.

vi

[greyaria]

I'll get the blowtorch!

[neverknocks]

i feel like there are other, more practical and less flammable ways we can do this that won't come back to bite me in the ass

iv

[startpoint]

Next time I'm picking where we go for drinks so we can avoid this.

[neverknocks]

how was i supposed to know going back to errera would be a big swing and a miss? i remembered that place being WAY classier

Emily Grey | RvB

[greyaria]

1. If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?

2. You told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site.

3. I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.

4. Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.

5. Text her!

1

[startpoint]

Is this a prelude to hearing about a fight between the medical staff of both armies?

[greyaria]

Don't be silly, their medics wouldn't dare fight me. :)

milly (au) / baten kaitos (god forgive me i have sinned)

[bombsheltered]

i. you face planted into a car door. and somehow didn't drop your burrito.

ii. last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. i have been texted by princess celestia, scarlet witch, and optimus prime. i have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.

iii. okay: whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. this will either be REALLY great or really tragic.

iv. sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made siri read the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE

v. the kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums... i feel like i'm living in jumanji

vi. i just woke up with a bunch of french fries in my hand and a chocolate shake on my pillow. who put me to bed?

vii. rainy day on campus = new personal fetish for girls in booty shorts and colorful rain boots

viii. i'm honestly considering asking her if i can eat her out, as a friend.

viii

[epsilol]

You aren't allowed around Tucker anymore.

end me

[bombsheltered]

[ INTERNAL SCREAMING

and then panic. but creative panic. ]

haha!! joke's on u, this IS tucker and i stole milly's phone, because i'm a creep who does things like that and then has to get punched in the face

vii i'm sorry

[cyborged]

[The problem with speech-to-text: It picks up all the weird pauses.]

Oh, uh.

I'm glad you're having fun?

never be sorry

[bombsheltered]

[ internal screaming

why. why this

milly's a problem solver ]

hahaha sorry raiden one of my friends took my phone!!!

[ a total lie. ]

Raiden || The Metal Gears

[cyborged]

1; If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.

2; Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?

3; Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.

4; This guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. I wish this was weird for me.

5; [Text him!]

3

[bombsheltered]

oh my god raiden THAT ISNT ANY LESS ALARMING!!!!

[cyborged]

It's fine, nobody died.

Epsilon | Red vs Blue

[epsilol]

1. It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.

2. "I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face." That's definitely a thing you said.

3. I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that Caboose just had to take a shit

4. Hey doucheface I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you. But only if you actually died.

5. Stop touching yourself.

3

[greyaria]

Oh, dear. I did tell him he needed to eat something besides cheese.

[epsilol]

I hate everything right now. More than usual.

5

[geographist]

look, I know you think that if you keep texting me that over and over again, eventually it'll happen to be immediately relevant, and you're not WRONG

but it's also none of your fucking business so fuck off, ceiling cat, seriously

[epsilol]

Hey it's either annoy the fuck out of you sometimes or tell Caboose what you really did to the thinking rock back at Blood Gulch.

epsilon (yes, another one)

[epsiloff]

i. I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.

ii. Next time I say "watch this" get me the fuck out of the bar.

iii. Next year we will be 30 and no more shots during the week

iv. Today I only have one kid I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?

v. [text him]

iv

[startpoint]

You must be in a good mood today, that's way less than average.

iii

[infailtration]

Liar.

ii

[socloverit]

what?? no that was the funniest thing that's happened to me in months