The clone looks up at Miles, and then looks away. He shifts in his chair, squirming uncomfortably at the question. It's...He knows the answer. He wishes, on some level, that Miles were gone, that there was nothing of him, so that he wouldn't have to contend with him any longer. So that there wouldn't be this enormous shadow that just leaves him in darkness. Miles is so much more than he ever dreamed, so much more than the psych reports and vid recordings and mannerisms and history, and sitting across from him - the clone feels tiny. Tinier than he's ever felt amongst people of a normal size. He wishes that he just would dry up and vanish, crumble into nothing, so that he could get a bit of damned sunshine. So that there would be some air to breathe.
But is he willing to kill him for that? By the time he'd set foot on this ship, the answer had been no. Hell, by the time he was out of range of Galen and Galen's grasp, the answer had been no. Murder had always been the Komarrans' ambitions and dreams, and sure, there was a time when he'd shared their dreams. But that time was behind him. No, he doesn't want Miles' death...He just wants -
What? What does he want? Protection. Or power enough that he doesn't need protection. Safety. The...certainty that Galen can't get to him, more than anything else, more than anything in his life, oh, he wants to know that he's away from him. Food when he wants food, instead of when he's earned food. The right to sleep in as long as he wants. To not be hauled out of bed, his sleepy brain trying to catch up to what it was he did wrong. To not hurt for his mistakes. To maybe find a girl who'll look at him with fondness and warmth in her eyes, who'll touch him and kiss him and let him touch her...Nowhere on that list, nowhere at all, is dying on some planet I've never seen for some planet I've never seen. Nowhere on that list is making Galen happy. Nowhere on that list of ambitions is killing.
He doesn't quite say that. Miles' fear of him - if there's any fear of him at all, but here he is just sitting there fearlessly - is at least some measure of power in his hands. If he admits that, no, he doesn't want to kill, he really doesn't want to kill, then it'll be a surrender of that power. So instead, he asks, "Are you planning to make me kill Galen?" The uttering of the man's name sends an unpleasant little shudder through him, but - he keeps it together.
no subject
But is he willing to kill him for that? By the time he'd set foot on this ship, the answer had been no. Hell, by the time he was out of range of Galen and Galen's grasp, the answer had been no. Murder had always been the Komarrans' ambitions and dreams, and sure, there was a time when he'd shared their dreams. But that time was behind him. No, he doesn't want Miles' death...He just wants -
What? What does he want? Protection. Or power enough that he doesn't need protection. Safety. The...certainty that Galen can't get to him, more than anything else, more than anything in his life, oh, he wants to know that he's away from him. Food when he wants food, instead of when he's earned food. The right to sleep in as long as he wants. To not be hauled out of bed, his sleepy brain trying to catch up to what it was he did wrong. To not hurt for his mistakes. To maybe find a girl who'll look at him with fondness and warmth in her eyes, who'll touch him and kiss him and let him touch her...Nowhere on that list, nowhere at all, is dying on some planet I've never seen for some planet I've never seen. Nowhere on that list is making Galen happy. Nowhere on that list of ambitions is killing.
He doesn't quite say that. Miles' fear of him - if there's any fear of him at all, but here he is just sitting there fearlessly - is at least some measure of power in his hands. If he admits that, no, he doesn't want to kill, he really doesn't want to kill, then it'll be a surrender of that power. So instead, he asks, "Are you planning to make me kill Galen?" The uttering of the man's name sends an unpleasant little shudder through him, but - he keeps it together.